Bad bosses busted

Years ago I worked as a state tested nurse's aide. The nursing home where I was employed was not a nice home. I wouldn't even call it a step above the county home. It was kind of a slum/sweatshop. Unaware of conditions in the home, I'd applied there because it was in my neighborhood.

I trained for three weeks, took the certification test, and was put on the floor. According to company policy, I was supposed to train another four days under the supervision of an experienced aide. That it didn't happen should have been my first clue, but I was new to the health industry. I had no idea what was coming.

Instead, I bought into the nurse's line that we were just temporarily short handed because someone had called in sick. So, on my second day, I was sort of dropped into the regular work routine, sink-or-swim. I swam, but not with a lot of confidence. However, it was left up to me to figure it out. After my third question regarding patient behavior or conditions that were not noted on their charts, the nurse got impatient and told me to shut up and do my job. That was my second missed clue.

The third was the lack of cooperation among the aides. We had been taught in class that most residents who could not stand up by themselves were "two man lifts." In other words, the person was either too heavy or too fragile to be lifted by one aide alone. When you needed to transfer a "two man lift" patient between bed and chair, you were supposed to ask another aide for help. This prevented injury to both us and the patients. I found within the first week that most aides were not willing to help the "newbies" lift. We had to seek out and ask each other. Some of the aides were lifting the "two man lift" patients by themselves, because if you didn't get your work done fast enough, you got written up. I was written up for looking for help lifting a 300 pound immobile, nearly vegetative patient. On the form, I wrote in that I felt the write-up was unjustified because I was following policy, and couldn't have lifted the guy by myself even if I had wanted to. The nurse who wrote me up threatened to write me up for insubordination because I put that in the "employee comments" section of the page, but the head nurse told him that he could not.

There were more incidents like that, but it was a month before the worst hit. One day, I was greeted beside the time-clock with a special order from my floor's nurse. Two people had called in. No one could come in to work their shifts. We had to divide their patients among us, and instead of having the legal state maximum of 14 patients, I was going to have 21. I was not to ask the nurse for any extra help, and I had to squeeze the same care for those extra 7 people into my normal shift.

I was a first shift worker. That means it was my responsibility to get the patients all out of bed, help them bathe and dress as needed, give them their breakfast trays, feed those who could not feed themselves, take the trays back to the cart on time, transfer patients to physical therapy as needed, take them to the dining hall for lunch, give them their lunch trays, feed those who could not feed themselves (again), take the trays back to the cart on time (again), and during that time, squeeze in showers for the 1 in 7 patients (three today) whose day it was to get a shower. More than half of my patients required assistance with everything. Most of them could not walk without the aid of a walker or wheelchair. During that time, I was also responsible for answering any call-button lights, in case patients needed to use the restroom. Also, any patient who was unable to move under his or her power must be moved to change the position of his or her body a minimum of every two hours, to avoid bed sores.

Getting patients up in the morning varied from patient to patient. Several of mine were unable to feed or dress themselves, so making sure I took care of all of their needs without getting behind schedule was a nearly impossible challenge. You can't just rush through these tasks. If you are not careful, you can injure your patient, or yourself.

I got through that day without any really bad incidents, but I did get written up for not being fast enough. That is not what was put on the paper, but it is the translation of what was said. Basically, another aide needed to shower a patient, but I was still in the shower room with mine. The patient had unknowingly defecated, a common occurrence. That happens enough that I never showered him without a bucket under his chair. All I had to do was carry the bucket out of the room, in to the attached bathroom, and dump it in the toilet. Unfortunately, that was going to take both hands, because it was also full of water.
My patient also required both hands. He was a fall risk, meaning that if I didn't watch him like a hawk, he'd try to get out of the arguably uncomfortable shower chair, and fall down. I could not just turn my back to clean up the mess.

I pulled the call button to ask another aide to watch him while I flushed the contents of the bucket. We waited, and no one came. My patient began to shiver under the blanket, and fidget in his seat.
I decided that I couldn't just keep him in there indefinitely. I buzzed the nurse's station, but no one answered. So, I wheeled my patient out into the hall, where I was startled to find the next aide waiting for me. I asked why she hadn't answered the call light, and she said she hadn't seen it. She was standing right under it, and it was accompanied by a repetitive, computerized tone, so I knew that was a lie.

I told her about the bucket and asked her to watch my patient for a minute while I cleaned up. I told her that was why I had turned on the light. She refused, stating instead that she needed the room now and would just clean it up herself. Behind her was another patient squirming uncomfortably in another shower chair. We were supposed to make sure the room was open before wheeling patients down the hall with nothing on but a bath blanket, and now she was impatient with me for using the time slot allotted to my patient. I wasn't even late getting him out of the shower... I was early!

I couldn't do anything about her attitude, so I just took care of my patient. Moments after I'd finished getting him dressed and settled into his favorite easy chair, the nurse called me down to the office to write me up for "leaving feces in the shower for the next aide to clean up."

I recounted to him what had happened, but he ignored it and made me sign the paper under threat of being fired.

The next week, we had more call-ins, and more illegal workloads. I went to a supervising nurse to discuss the issue. I happened to know of a temp agency that would send aides if the company would just call them. Since it was illegal for us to be that understaffed, I figured the supervisor would be glad to know where we could get help with the problem. Instead, I was reprimanded for "rocking the boat" and told "we don't do that." The supervisor threatened to fire me if I disclosed to any of the families that we were understaffed. I informed her that I was family. My grandmother was temporarily housed in one of the rooms on another ward. That did not go over well.

The nurse assumed I would not know the system for reporting violations. I did, but I was still naive enough at that point to think I could work with corporate on fixing things. I called the human resources number and talked to one of the supervisors there, telling her everything I'd witnessed at work, and how at-each-other's-throats the aides were getting. Corporate held a meeting with all of use to hear grievances related to how things were being run at the site. Afterward, they issued a finding that there were no problems, and three of the four most vocal aides were fired. I was the only one retained, and I was written up for insubordination for statements I'd made under the assurance that they would not be held against me. Again, in the comment section of the page, I wrote my opinion of the reprimand, noting that the statements had been both true and made under the assurance of confidence and impunity from corporate supervisors. The nurse took a black permanent marker and "redacted" everything I wrote.

The last straw for me was coming in that week to find that we'd had so many call-offs that I was assigned a double group. I had 28 patients to care for. The nurse told me we weren't getting anyone out of bed. One of my patients was so heartbroken about spending the day in bed "again" that she cried. I realized that this was not an issue my employer was going to be willing to address.

At the end of my shift, I went home and called the Ombudsman for the elderly. I explained the situation, giving dates for the times when we'd been illegally understaffed, and listing several other violations of our patients' rights that I had witnessed. I gave a list of the names of the people in the company who I had alerted to the problem, and explained that I'd made them aware of a temp agency where they could bring in aides to stand in for those who were ill. I described injuries I'd discovered on my patients which were consistent with carelessness and neglect. I talked to the lady on the phone for half an hour. She was appalled.

An investigation was initiated. The Ombudsman showed up without warning on a Monday, the worst day for call-offs. Her timing was perfect. Halfway through the morning, no one was out of bed. Every aide on the shift was responsible for 28 patients, and it took her nearly half an hour to find a nurse. She wrote all kinds of things in her little notebook.

The next week, the head nurse changed the schedule without warning, right in the middle of the work week. She waited until I had two days off in a row, then scheduled me to be there for one of those days. When I didn't show, they labeled me a no-call no-show. I called the Ombudsman's office and alerted her to the retaliation. She asked if I wanted to fight for my job, but I really didn't. I was only getting minimum wage, and I'd learned that aides at other nursing homes made half again as much just starting out. I just wanted to make sure she knew that the company had retaliated against the whistle-blower.

In the meantime, my family removed my grandmother from the home a month early, and made sure to tell corporate that the decision was a direct result of living conditions there. She would have her physical therapy at home.

An employee who had worked with me and survived the whole thing stopped me at the grocery months later, and told me what happened after that. The state had taken over management of the home. There was also a huge fine. Several supervisors and a few nurses had been fired, including the man who had repeatedly wrongfully written me up. There were dismissals at the corporate level. Everyone who knew about the problem and had not addressed it was fired.
Laws were meticulously enforced. A lot of changes were made at the home, including the way fall risk patients were handled. As a result, working conditions also improved. The state kept charge of that home for nearly a year before agreeing to transfer managing control back to the corporate owners. A lot of policies were changed, including the policy of not using temps to cover for sick employees. In fact, the home went to using temps as a hiring method. Instead of hiring off of the street and training aides, they would bring in temps, and if they had the right attitude, work ethic, and bedside manner, there would be a full-time job offer.

In addition, employee concerns related to how policy was being followed (or not) on site, and whether laws were being followed, increased in priority. There was now a genuinely anonymous reporting system for on-the-job safety and patient concerns. Alleged retaliation by any supervisor was grounds for an investigation, and if it was found that there was retaliation, that was grounds for dismissal.

The company had made some very expensive mistakes, but apparently corporate had learned from them.

You can't safely assume your employees are ignorant of the laws governing your industry.
You can't safely assume your employees don't know their rights.
You can't safely assume your employees won't feel a moral obligation to protect their clients, even at your expense.
Your employees will only take so much crap from you before they turn on you. Even those who don't know how to fight for themselves will back the one who does... and there will always be someone who does.
You won't get away with illegal activity or conditions indefinitely. Eventually you will be caught.
And most of all, you can't fight city hall.

In the end, it's cheaper to do things right the first time, stay within the law, and treat your employees like the human beings that they are.

Ways to lose the Respect, Admiration, and Loyalty of your Employees

Demonstrate a serious case of company left hand to right hand obliviousness. Nothing says "trust me" like receiving a mandatory order from one department of our company, only to be penalized by another for following it. Our favorite brain teasing game is trying to figure out what the heck is going on in your corporate offices, and how it's going to affect us next. Seriously, we even take bets. Ten to one says you are using chimpanzees on acid to make those decisions.

Fix what isn't broken. "Update" a policy that has been working as written since we opened. Replace a popular product with something that is new and "improved." Investigate a department or team that is performing well and achieving desirable results. Why would you keep something going forever just because it works, when you can muck it all up and give everyone an exciting new look at how quickly our workplace can descend into utter chaos?

No one ever desires or expects consistence from us. Client and customer loyalty is created by offering them an endless array of fun and interesting surprises, like the disclosure that the product or service they've been depending on for the last twenty years is no longer available, and there's no replacement for it.

They are always enthusiastic about offering us detailed and specific feedback on your new policies and products.

Sometimes, though, we have difficulty understanding that pardonable dialect of French, and we're sure you could better explain to them the necessity of pulling the rug out from under all of us. 

Can we give them the number for your office?

Expect us to be psychic. Since you're in charge, everyone should just automatically know what you are thinking. In fact, we all get together before work and use a business-compatible version of the ouija-pad 3000 to divine everything that is going to be on your mind all day, so we really have no excuse for failing to anticipate your every whim. We just get a kick out of pretending to guess horribly wrong based on the evidence around us and your history, so that you'll have something to nag us about.
Extra points off if you combine this with fixing what isn't broken, and expect us to just automatically know when you reverse a policy that has been in place the entire time we've worked for you. Double that if you write us up today for doing exactly what you ordered last week.

Go way overboard with your security. Sure, we know we're on camera. We know you're watching us. We're such total hams that you know we love it. It's not creepy at all when you call the store from your home to ask why one of us took an extra whole two minutes at lunch, tell us to turn our work so that our hands can be seen on camera, or gripe about how many times we used the restroom. We feel like we've got our own TV show with an audience of one. Really, we try to come up with as much interesting stuff for you to see as possible to keep you watching. After work, we all go hang out at the library to research ideas for the next day's script. We're thinking of title ideas, too. How about Creepy Stalker Boss? By the way, we weren't lined up and picking our noses in unison in front of the coffee-cam. We were just scratching. Really.

Micromanage us. You know you have to, because of the brain-erasing magnets the company installed at all of the building's employee entrances. It has nothing to do with making yourself feel more like a manager, right?

Even though we are perfectly competent adults when we aren't at work, the minute we walk through the magnetized door, we become blithering idiots. We lose all common sense, become unable to remember policy, and have no clue as to the specific responsibilities involved in our jobs. If you weren't there, we'd all just stand around drooling and picking our noses.

Besides, we know you don't have enough to do on your own, and we're very offended if we don't have your undivided attention all the time. We even get into fights over whose turn it is to be the office whipping boy.

Extra points off if you micromanage the employee who listens to you because you can't do anything about the one who won't.

Hit on us. We may not be attracted to grabby cougars or pawsy perverts like you in any other circumstances, but at work we expect it. That's why we take such convoluted and labyrinthine routes to get to and from our work areas. We're not avoiding you. We're just giving you a lot more locations where you can find us and initiate unwanted social dialogue on awkward topics like whether or not you're wearing underwear. It makes our day to know how desired we are despite our stable marriages, and in such a totally inappropriate way! Nothing makes us more feel more valued and respected as human beings than being treated like part of your personal sexual buffet. We are desperate to be marginalized and violated. Yeah, baby. Molest us just a little bit more. We like it like that.

Underpay us enough that others in our field are shocked or amused by our salaries. We just love being subjected to the pity of our peers. The sympathy card works well for us in the dating game. Besides, isn't it we who should be paying for the privilege of working with such a bastion of knowledge and wisdom as you? After all, who needs money, right?

Your employees certainly aren't going to seek greener pastures just because of a little thing like you being a massive cheapskate. We'll stay right were we are. You can count on it. Pay no attention to the little resume behind the manila folder.

What's wrong with a little worker exploitation among colleagues, anyway? Certainly, you'll attract the best in the field through word of mouth just because you're so cool. You don't need to invest in your workforce for that. Employees don't have bills to pay, or anything. After all, it's not like we're real people.

Be threatened by any sign of capability in your employees. It's not like we could be great resources for you without doing any damage to your reputation. No, we're only being diligent and industrious to make you look bad! We are all willing to give up our social lives, family time, and other goals to have your job. We're here to take you down!
Make sure you get good and angry any time one of us expresses a thought or opinion that displays our intelligence. Your boss could be watching, and he might think we are more competent than you! Treat everything we say with absolute disdain, even if you are going to use it later under the false claim that you came up with it yourself. Stifle all forms of creative thinking, diligence, and hard work before someone sees and thinks less of you for managing such a stellar team. God forbid anyone see you as the leader of the best. Mediocrity is your goal, and it should be ours, too!

As an upper manager, give us reasonable, highly compelling explanations for the absolute necessity and importance of following a specific policy, and then allow your lower management to enforce unnecessary and sometimes dangerous violations of it in your absence. It helps our performance if we know we're being managed by idiots. We just can't handle having the security of tried and true standards and regulations. We thrive on stress and instability. Yeah, dudes, embrace anarchy! Screw the man! We're totally coming to work naked next casual Friday. So what if that's the day we have to operate the trash compactor? We'll just be really, really careful to not let any... ahem... spare parts... dangle into it. C'mon! It'll be fun!

Offer us totally transparent lies. It doesn't matter that we know you're lying. You're the boss. What you say is law, and therefore we will believe it in our deepest of hearts despite all evidence, because we're just that stupid... er, I mean loyal. Yeah. Loyal.
Extra points off if you are promising us something as a means of persuading us to do something for you, or stating an order for a falsehood to be true. Double that if you are expecting us to lie for you, especially to any government agency, law enforcement, or other controlling authority. Off the chart if you believe that the fact that you communicate your expectation as a need should be all it takes to persuade us to go along with it.

Knowingly and willfully demand the impossible. After all, the laws of physics don't apply to employees, do they? You know that we are issued magic wands at birth, and are able turn back time, and conjure any random item you can imagine out of our derrieres. We can even do that with items that don't exist. Therefore, we can grant your every wish regardless of how unreasonable or ridiculous it is. All you have to do is ask. 

Don't make room for emergencies. Your employees aren't really human, anyway. None of us are parents, and we never get hurt or sick. You should be able to expect that there will never be circumstances beyond our control. Everyone knows we are all losers with no home/personal lives, anyway, and our relatives are all immortal. Immortal people always have family members who work in crappy peon level jobs. Why in heaven's name should we ever need any time off?

Extra points off if, while expecting perfect attendance from us, you take excessive personal days off for social activity. Knowing that we missed our kid's first track meet, sister's wedding, or grandma's funeral, just so that you could get drunk with your buddies again makes us feel much more valued and needed. We appreciate the compliment!

Bluster. Bluff and puff. Pretend to be a bigger fish than you are. Nothing is more respectable than the assistant manager of a department, the manager of a little outlet, or the line leader of a huge plant throwing his or her weight around like a V.I.P. If you act self-important, arrogant, and authoritative enough, that will make you the same as the company president. That's all it takes to attain big boss status... or at least, the people under you won't know any better. It's not like we're going to notice that you are a pathetic loser who can't do better than a position that is mostly for show. We're not making fun of you behind your back right now... that's an imitation of a character from a popular T.V. show. This isn't a caricature of your face on a the body of Barney Fife. That's Nixon's face, by someone who's not a very good artist. You have our wholehearted and utmost respect. We promise! (snork) (giggle) What? Oh, nothing. We have a cold.

Schedule your vacation or personal absence over “crunch time,” when something important or highly challenging is going on at work. Be totally unreachable in case something goes wrong. Don't leave us with any back-up, either. Then, when you come back, get all bent out of shape over the way things were handled when you were gone. Yell at everyone except the person who dropped the ball. Do not take any responsibility for the consequences of your absence during this time. After all, even though we're totally incompetent and must be micromanaged when you're here, we are supposed to be psychic, so we should have known exactly what you would have done.

Take credit for our achievements, hard work, or good ideas. We don't care if our efforts and successes gain us any praise or recognition. We exist only to serve you, and we're totally satisfied with that. Why would we care if you steal what little glory we could have in our position? It's not like your employees have aspirations or any level of self-esteem, right?
No one at higher levels will ever figure out that you're not doing it all yourself. They certainly won't ever ask you to repeat that performance on another task, re-create the idea if it is lost, or rebuild the design if it is destroyed. You'll never be stuck in the awkward situation of having to excuse yourself for not remembering vital information that originated from one of us. Even if you are, it won't reflect badly on you, right? Your boss doesn't have any standard of ethics, does he?

Demand inappropriate or excessive access to contact with us. We expect it.

We bottom workers do not sleep. We expect to be on call 24/7 you, because no matter how small, every single solitary work-related need you assess is equal to a life-threatening emergency for us. We do not resent being called in the middle of the night to answer stupid questions such as I know it's 2:00 A.M., you live across town, and you work first shift, but can you come in for an hour? So-and so had to go home sick... or what's so-and-so's new phone number?

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to call your office janitor at 4:00 A.M., to ask about the location of the paper that was on your desk yesterday afternoon, (which you have forgotten that you put into your briefcase.) It doesn't matter that he doesn't clean your desk. He should know exactly where all of your stuff is anyway! 

Every nurse's aid should be available to answer any question the nurse might have about a patient... whether we're at work that day or not. It's common knowledge that all we ever do is sit by our phones waiting for you to call.
Extra points off if you have demanded a second means of contact that involves us giving you contact information for a third party who does not work for our company. Double that if you have used numbers on the medical emergency contact list for non-emergency circumstances. Triple if you've done it at night, and/or if you've expected the third party you are calling to not be offended, simply because the situation is important to you.

Forget assertive. Be aggressive. Put us in our place. We always wanted to have a sadomasochistic work relationship. We love to play sub to your dom. That's why we bow our heads and say “Yes Master” every time you so much as clear your throat.

Your domineering, belligerent attitude makes us so much more likely to do everything we can to help you achieve your goals, to keep you up to speed on our work activities, and generally find any excuse we can to initiate verbal contact with you. We're just desperate for more of that delicious, mind-numbing vituperation you dish out every time you see us.

Nothing says adoration and respect like the look of abject terror that crosses our faces the moment you walk into the room. 

That's why we put that famous segment of the Imperial March theme from the Star Wars trilogy as your ring-tone on our cell phones. It's a tribute to your superb leadership, not any insinuation that you remind us of Darth Vader on crack. Yeah, a tribute. That's the ticket.

Answer the phone when when it would be totally awkward for us to hear what you're doing. Extra points off if you try to talk to us about it later... like that's not gonna be awkward!

We always been desperate to know what it sounds like when you fart into the toilet.

We're so curious to about your latest bed buddy that we timed our call just to the right time of the afternoon to catch you in the act.

Of course we can't hear the soundtrack of the porn you're watching. You're two whole feet away from your computer's speakers. Cell phones don't pick up sound from that far away, right?

We're assuming that the water sound means you're getting a drink. We are totally not mentally picturing your naked derriere in the shower. Eew!

We'd never notice that the voice in the background calling you snookie-wookums does not sound anything like the voice on the line when your husband calls and asks for you at work.

Of course, we're just going to forget the time you answered the phone drunk as a skunk, or too baked to remember our names.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with us (and maybe our 500 closest internet connections,) and we'd never think to use it against you at work. By the way, you did approve that paid vacation we requested, right Snookie? Would Miss. Wookums wike a widdle coffee while she thinks it over? Awe, that's my sweet widdle bossee-wossee!

Don't believe everything you think you saw on TV

Yet another way to prove to everyone that you are an idiot... argue with an actual, real, living, breathing, ROCKET SCIENTIST about HOW FIRE WORKS... because of course, what does he know? He's only a ROCKET SCIENTIST, right?

Now, most people are aware that gasoline is a flammable substance. Especially in Ohio, where we now have a law that says you can't light a grill within 20 feet of a building, passed in response to some guy having blown up his little hibachi grill on an apartment balcony (because he used gasoline in it) and set the building on fire, people would be well aware that gas is very, very flammable.

Most smokers are aware that the tip of a cigarette being smoked is actually burning, since moments ago they had to light it using a flame. I refuse to give anyone the benefit of doubt regarding whether or not they know that when you ignite something with a flame, it is thereafter on fire. (I do fail miserably to see the logic in setting an object on fire and then sticking it in your mouth so that you can breathe in the burning ashes and poisonous gasses from it, but that's an entirely different rant.)

So... one should be able reasonably expect that most folks would be smart enough to avoid bringing a burning object into the same space as a very, very flammable liquid, especially when there's a lot of said liquid in the ground under said folks' feet. I really think this should fall under the category of common sense. Honestly, who wants to risk being blown to bits the size of corn flakes? I think having that happen to me would kind of suck. I would really prefer to not do that.

Why, then, is it that when my co-workers and I go out to make sure our lot is clean and presentable, we find buttloads (pun intended) of spent cigarettes all around the gas pumps? Do people not realize that dropping their smoldering butts (and I've found them still smoldering on the ground) next to the pump is just as stupid as smoking at the pump?

Why, when we catch people in the act and shut off the pump, do they get angry with us? Do they really think the sign admonishing them to not smoke is just a suggestion? It's not... it's the law. In fact, we can get busted if we don't stop the pumps when we see them smoking.

My particular store just happens to be a stone's throw away from an Air Force Base. As such, we do get a lot of business from the base, including pilots, marines, independent contractors, tourists, etc.
One day, a very upset man with one of those nametag/clearance level cards around his neck stomped into the store, pointed out to the first cashier a customer smoking at the pump, then approached the manager of the store. The guy was so mad he was shaking. The cashier shut off the pump immediately while the guy quietly told the manager (who was standing next to me) about the argument he'd had with the smoker.

Apparently, when the guy had reminded the smoker to not smoke at the pump, the smoker had cited an episode of Myth Busters in which they had proved that dropping a cigarette into a puddle of gas would not start a fire. The smug smoker then continued to drag on his butt as the guy explained first that he was a rocket scientist who worked with fighter jets and had nearly a decade of schooling on the subject and multiple decades of experience with flammable substances, and then the difference between the ignition temperature of a puddle of gas and the ignition temperature of a cloud of gas fumes.

Myth Busters had not addressed fumes in that episode, nor had they stated that it was safe to smoke at a gas pump. After learning that he was talking to a rocket scientist, the smoker still continued to keep his cigarette lit, called the guy an idiot, and said that he'd seen all the proof he needed on TV.

When my co-worker shut off the pump, the smoker came in and threw a royal, screaming fit, threatened to "call corporate." The manager told him to go ahead... it's to our advantage when they know that we are following the rules. The angry customer paid for his gas, and then stormed out to his car and drove off. After he left, I calmed down our upset guest by asking the room, "What kind of an idiot argues with a rocket scientist about how fire works?" Everyone laughed, and business went back to normal.

People who think that there is no danger of setting off gas fumes with cigarettes, sparks, etc. must not know how an internal combustion engine works, something I thought was fairly common knowledge. Maybe it's not... I learned it in the 8th grade in science class, but my science teacher had taken a second job as a used car salesman, so maybe he just taught us that because he found it interesting. It's something everyone should know, but I've realized lately that there are a lot of things everyone should know which most people don't.

So, for the benefit of those who were never taught this stuff:

The very thing that makes your car go is the fact that gas fumes can be set off easily. (For those readers who didn't learn about the Internal Combustion Engine in science class in school, it's explained really well HERE.)

The important thing to note for this post is how the fuel is ignited. Remember that in an internal combustion engine, fuel and air are shot into the combustion chamber together. It comes out in a mist, like hair spray from an aerosol can, or perfume from a diffuser. In other words, what is being ignited is gas vapor, not a puddle of gas as in the Mythbusters demonstration. It's not just fuel that's being ignited. It's fuel and oxygen.

Now, think back to the last time you accidentally got gasoline on you. It totally reeked, right? You probably smelled it until you changed your clothes. Even if you didn't, everyone else did. If you know anything about why we smell things, then you know that smell means there are particles of gas in the air. (Yes, when you smell anything, that means that particles of it have gotten into your nose. Think of that the next time someone around you lets a really foul fart!)

The reason why the gas is combined with air is that fire needs oxygen. When a flammable substance is mixed with oxygen, it is much, much easier to ignite. Hopefully everyone reading this learned that in elementary school science just like I did, but if not, you know now. This is not an excuse to pour liquid gas or lighter fluid into the flames on your backyard grill - you can still get burned doing that, as the jerk who ruined it for all apartment renters in Ohio learned the hard way.

It does explain why it's a bad idea to pour gas onto charcoal, let it sit a minute, and then light it... by that time there is a cloud of fumes above the charcoal and there will be a fireball when you drop in that lit match... if you get the chance to let go before the explosion.

Even a cigarette lighter works that way, only with butane instead of gasoline. As you flick your Bic, it releases vapor from inside the little plastic part at the same time as the friction created by the device's modern version of flint and steel produces a spark. Every time a smoker lights his/her cancer stick, he/she is demonstrating exactly why one does not want to have any active means of ignition around an active means of dispensing a flammable liquid which evaporates quickly when exposed to air.

Anyway, the vapor effect is why your car has spark plugs and not some kind of flame producing device, and it is what pushes the pistons and makes your engine work in the manner which moves your car. Because it is dealing with a vapor instead of a liquid, less effort is needed to produce a flame, and all of the fuel ignites very, very rapidly instead of the ignition moving slowly across the substance as with wood, coal, or even liquid fuel. This causes an explosion inside the combustion chamber. The force of the explosion moves the piston, etc.

The same thing can happen with gas fumes next to a gas pump. A small spill can produce enough vapor to make a big fireball right where you are standing. Even a single, small spark can be enough to ignite gas fumes.

Don't believe me?
Read some proof:

KIVI-TV TODAY'S 6 NEWS
12-Year Old Fire Victim Out Of Surgery After Weekend Gas Station Fire

The kid's step brother was smoking while pumping gas. When the nozzle caught fire, he pulled it out and the kid got sprayed, and ended up burned over a majority of his body.

Woman Smoking While Pumping Gas Ignites Fire, Burns Self And Car

POSTED: Monday, October 2, 2006

Story about a woman who started a fire by smoking while pumping gas

Spark ignites gas fumes By DAVID NICHOL, T-H Staff Writer

Little-known dangers at gas pumps

From Elizabeth Cohen
CNN
(This article includes an example of a fire started by a spark from static electricity at the pump during refueling.)

If that isn't enough, read This Thread from the Airstream Knowledge Sharing Forums

How To Not Impress Your Retail Customers and Co-Workers

Since I wrote about idiotic customers, I thought I'd write about the other end of it. Often, when customers behave like idiots around retail employees, they're doing so partly in response to things other retail employees have done to them. It may not be fair for them to generalize that way, but it is a human response. As with the examples in my article, "Ways to Show Employees in a Convenience Store That You Are an Idiot," the examples below are all things I've seen retail employees do, some to me, some not. I gotta say, it always makes one so proud to work with someone who does a bunch of these things.

Anyway, without further introduction, here are a few choice ways in which retail employees can totally fail to impress co-workers and customers.

Get impatient with us because we didn't see the sign, whether it be the little sign on the gas pump that says "you must pay before pumping gas" or the little sign off to the side of the display that says "with purchase of _______ (fill in item here)" or the little sign hanging from the ten foot ceiling that points to where the restrooms are. Of course, no one who ever comes into your store could possibly be from out of the area, so we all know all ready that the sign is there. We're just asking you about it to make your day just a little bit harder, because it takes so much effort to inform us.

Call in sick every time your nose itches, then get mad when you have to work late hours or on your days off because someone else had to call in sick. Don't they know you have a life?
 
Talk to your buddy who is standing off to the side, or on your cell phone, or better yet, send text messages while waiting on us at the cash register. Don't smile, don't greet us, and if you're really talented at this, don't even tell us how much we owe you - just point at the display on your register. It's important that we know your conversation is much more important to you than our business. That's what we look for in a retail experience.

Also, stand around and chat with a friend or another co-worker while we watch one person at your store doing all of the work. That raises our opinion of you to greater levels, as we must assume you are king or queen of the store. Extra points off if your discussion is about things we'd really rather not hear, such as your latest visit to the gyno, your great weekend with that hot chick you picked up at the club, or how much you threw up after so-and-so's party. We all love getting a good case of TMI-tis.

Be willfully inept. If you don't like a particular job duty, insist that you don't know how to do it, even after you've been shown several times, even though you've learned other duties which are more complex, and even after having performed that particular task successfully under supervision. Your insistence that you can't understand this one particular task certainly won't make you look like an idiot, and no one will figure out that you're just playing dumb to get out of doing the work. Double points if you do this with simple tasks, like cleaning the bathroom, mopping the floor, or doing the dishes. Triple if you ask stupid questions such as "but where do we keep the elbow grease?"

Treat customers like liars when items among our purchases do not ring up at the price your store's display shows as the cost. Treat us like idiots when, on checking the area where we found said items, you are able to show us that the small print on the big sign says the price is for an item other than the one in front of which the sign is placed. When we turn out to be right, be impatient and make sure to look and sound put out when you tell us that you have to call a supervisor because you don't know how to "fix it" in the "system..." because, of course, you're right... we came in that day and picked that item because we knew it was incorrectly priced and we wanted to make you personally do the extra work involved in fixing it for us.

Get angry or impatient with your disAbled customers. We all know they chose to be handicapped as a form of massive, exclusive, inside joke on the rest of society. Extra points off if your reason for being angry or impatient is due to their attempts at independence. Certainly, no one who is blind should ever be seen traveling without a seeing-eye dog, because you can't possibly be both blind and allergic to animal dander, or because blind people could never learn to survive without the help of an animal. Triple points off if you complain about or make fun of the person after they leave - or in the case of a hearing impaired or mentally disabled person, while they are still in the room. Of course, no one else is going to be offended... it's not like you're talking about real people, right?

Take a smoke break every 15 minutes. You shouldn't be expected to get any work done if you're a smoker, right?
Ignore the fact that other smokers who work with you don't take as many breaks as you do.
If non-smokers complain that you take so many extra breaks, advise them to start smoking. After all, it's an addiction, and they're just going to have to understand.


When you get a customer who is paying with food stamps, be sure to state that loudly enough for everyone in the store to hear. Discretion is not deserved by lazy dead beats who depend on the government for their existence, which of course describes all food stamp users. You know we don't have jobs, we all have 4 kids by different fathers, etc. If you happen to embarrass the occasional working mom who is widowed or divorced and struggling, or laid off dad who once earned ten times what you make and is now stuck with a job like yours, that's no skin off of your nose. They should be used to it, anyway, right? It's not like anyone ever has a first time using that card.

Be as impatient and rude as possible when dealing with the elderly, the young, or those who struggle to speak your language. It's the customer's responsibility to understand you, not your responsibility to take care of the customer's needs. If they didn't understand what you said the first time, it's their own fault for not listening.

Talk to everyone - even customers - about employee conflicts and any potentially embarrassing details you might learn about your co-workers. Everyone loves a rumor-monger. Customers never have enough drama in our own lives, so we are especially curious about every detail of what goes on at your store. After all, inquiring minds want to know! Double points off if you are talking about someone who is at work as you speak... triple if they are within hearing distance, or if you are complaining about another's actions when you're guilty of having done the same thing.

Chew gum while on the job. Double points if you chew with your mouth open. We want to see your dental work. Seriously. We're fascinated. Also, blow big bubbles and pop them. We had no idea you were so talented. Wow.

Answer your work phone, "Yo," "Yeah," "What," or with some other monosyllabic non-greeting. We think it sounds totally cool when you answer the phone like that. It makes the caller feel so much more appreciated, and much more likely to want to talk to you instead of a supervisor. Don't ask how you can help us, either. You can't help us, because we just called to mess up your day.

Tell the customer "information" about the product we are considering, the veracity of which you aren't sure, just to make the sale. ("Yeah, that card will work with your camera. It's a universal memory card.") By virtue of your statement, what you say will become fact... or at least, maybe it won't be your shift when the angry customer brings the item back for a refund. If it is your shift, you can always take a smoke break when you see us walk in the door. Later, when your supervisor asks you about the sale, you have total deniability. Of course the customer just misunderstood you... just like every other time.

Come to work a little stoned. You can wear perfume or cologne to cover up the smell. No one will know... or maybe it will just make their day that much more interesting. You know you're always so much smarter and more entertaining when you're stoned!

When a customer comes in with a problem or request, do everything you can to not help. Make the person jump through as many procedural hoops as possible, from having the right piece of paper to filling out the right form. You know that if you can jerk the person around, that gives you control, man, and that level of control totally makes you king or queen of the world.

More Ways To Let Retail Workers Know That You Are An Idiot

This is another sequel to Ways to Show Employees in a Convenience Store That You Are an Idiot. For this list, I've expanded to retail in general. Having worked a few different areas in retail, I have seen customers do some pretty outrageous things. This list, however, does not all come from my own personal work experience. Though most of the items below have happened at places where I've worked, some of these are behaviors I've seen (and sometimes confronted) while shopping.

When you see that there is a spill on the floor that is being mopped up, do no go around. Stop, look at it for a moment, look around at the alternative routes through the store, and then walk through the spill. Step right in the middle of it. If there's a wet floor sign in your way, move it. We only put those there as a suggestion. It's vital that you put your foot in that one specific area, out of all of the store's vast floorspace.
That way, if it is a sticky substance like pop, you can now have the fun of tracking it all over the floor. We are desperate for the opportunity to mop up after you. We don't know what to do with ourselves if we have a clean floor for more than five minutes.
Extra points off if you are annoyed when you get the sticky pop you stepped in on your car's floor. Double that if you call the store later to complain, and triple if you actually get your car wash paid for by complaining about the stuff you chose to walk in. Triple again if you're the one who spilled in the first place.

Take a photo into your local digital photo lab and ask that an object or person be removed from the photo so that you can see the object or person "behind" it. Get really irate when the tech behind the counter tries to explain why that won't work with a two-dimensional image. Argue loudly and demand to see the manager, then get even more upset when he confirms that what you want to "reveal" by removing part of the photo isn't there. Insist that someone you know had this done by some other tech at some other lab, and we are just giving you a hard time.
Double points off if you use our inability to perform the impossible as "leverage" to demand a discount on the price quote you accepted last visit, on other work you are all ready having us do.

At a convenience store or other self-serve soda fountain, demonstrate your germophobia and your lack of knowledge regarding how things work by insisting on not taking the outermost cup, top lid, etc. At a grocery or department store, reach for the object on the back of the shelf, knocking everything else on the floor. Do this even with items which are vacuum sealed or otherwise contained in a sanitary manner, because you know other shoppers have handled the first one, and if the outside of the package has been touched by someone else, you don't want it. (Of course, it was put onto the shelf without being touched by anybody, right?) If an employee is there, make sure he or she sees you taking off the top or front few items, pulling one out for yourself, and then putting back the others, all of which you just touched, because while other people's germs are bad, yours are pure and clean.

Go into the same shop every day, get the same drink every day from the same soda fountain, cappuccino machine, or other self-serve drink machine, and complain every day that it tastes flat, watered down, or otherwise seems defective in a way that insinuates but does not directly state that you are being cheated. Each time you do this, find the busiest person in the store to give your complaint to, and ask that person to check out the machine. Watch him or her examine the machine in question, and change absolutely nothing about it, but insist each time this is done that the drink is now "better" than before you called them away from whatever else they were doing. Even after weeks of repeating this same experience, no one at the store will catch on to your act. If anyone does, I promise we'll appreciate it... this is the most fun game we ever get to play!
Extra points off if you also insist that you should get a discount because you took extra time out of your day to pull this charade. Double that if you ask for the same discount for the same reason every day.

After your first time having your digital images "processed", return to the department store photo-counter where you took them and demand the "negatives" from your new digital camera, stating with total irritation that you were in yesterday and the lady gave you your CD and your card but she kept your negatives. Refuse to accept any explanation regarding how digital photography works, especially when said explanation includes the fact that digital cameras do not produce negatives. It doesn't matter that you never put film into your camera... you should still be getting film out of it, right?

Enter a store shirtless, or shoeless, right through a door with a sign on it that clearly states that a shirt and shoes must be worn inside the store. Those signs are only for other people. Surely they don't mean you... everyone wants to see your naked lady tattoo, pierced nipples, or fascinating foot fungus. Trust me... you are the only source of entertainment we have! Of course, there's never any safety concern in the store related to stuff on the floor coming into contact with your feet, or hygiene issues regarding your partial nudity and the food we serve.
Act surprised and maybe even a little offended when staff informs you of clothing requirements and requests that next time you come in, you wear said items. Certainly, it's odd for us to notice six feet and 230 pounds (or more) of half-naked man-flesh strolling past us in the store.
Extra points off if you make a big deal out of the incident in front of other customers. Of course they'll be on your side. What's a little pit hair among friends?
Double that if you come in shirtless and covered with "adult" body art, stinky pits, or if huge, painful looking piercings dangle from your nipples as you lean over our grill to get what you want to buy.
Triple if you are a repeat offender and you have the nerve to act surprised each time you are told to wear clothes while shopping.

Leave a roll of film in the bottom of your camera bag, or even in your camera, for a decade, through changes in temperature and moisture, etc. On discovering it, take it into a cheap pharmacy photo center and have it developed and printed. Get mad when you get it back and there are flaws on the film because of that time last August when you left your camera in the car for a week. Blame their developing process, and demand a refund, but expect to be allowed to keep the film and the prints.

Bring your shedding, long haired pet cat or hyperactive, ill-behaved, tiny little dog into a store where food is sold, particularly where that food is open to the air, as with a roller grill or salad bar. Expect to not be told that your pet cannot be in the store around the food. Insist that your pet is your helper animal and you can't go anywhere without her. Certainly, everyone should understand that your super-special pet is exempt from reality, and therefore has no offending dander, will never find a person with whom he/she can't get along, and won't drop any hair anywhere in the store.
When another customer asks for your "card", (a requirement for helper animals) because your animal isn't behaving like a helper animal, act offended that anyone would doubt for a moment that your pet would be one.
If store employees insist that you take your precious little furbaby outside, throw a fit. Demand the phone number for customer service, and leave in a huff.
Extra points off if you think you have the right to bring the pet in simply because she's riding in your arms, on your shoulder, or in your purse or pocket, rather than roaming freely about the store. Double that if you argue the point with customer service. Points off the chart if you do this with a pet no one will believe was a helper animal, like a speechless bird, a ball python, or a chinchilla. We all know how valuable that helper gerbil can be! God forbid we separate you from your helper mini-lop. Our apologies! We had no idea you had the only salmonella-free iguana in the known universe! We stand corrected.

Ask the tech at your local photo center to fit a long rectangle (your entire 35mm negative) into a shorter, fatter rectangle (an 8 X 10 print) without any cropping, borders, or distortion. Accept no explanation as to why printing an 8 X 10 requires the choice of one of those compromises. Double points if you insist you've had this done somewhere else. Triple if you try to argue this with a professional photographer who has been doing darkroom work since 1985.

Smoke while you are pumping gas. Get angry when the attendant turns off the pump. Act offended when you are told that it is illegal to smoke at the pump, because, of course, we'll believe you didn't know that before we told you, even though it's been illegal now for years. Argue the point with the attendant, as if he or she has any control over the law, because we know that while laws may apply to everyone else, you personally are exempt. Extra points off if you get other patrons involved in the argument. Double that if you call customer service to complain that you feel mistreated because the attendant wouldn't let you smoke while pumping gas. Triple if you quote myth-busters or any other group of entertainers during any point of the argument or customer service call.

Go shopping for something that does not exist. Be unable to clearly describe the non-existent item you crave, so that when you ask for help at retail establishments, no one else will know what you're talking about. Get angry when no one can help you find "the thingy that fits into the other thingy like this (Insert awkward, kind of obscene looking hand gesture here) and gets used in the electric doo-hickey that you use in your back yard." Oh, yeah. Every store carries one of those. It's in aisle six, with the what's-its, thingamajigs, do-dads, and three-pronged widgets.

Flush things down the toilet at our store that you would never try to flush at home because you know they are not flushable. Even though this toilet looks the same as yours, it isn't. It's a magic toilet, and it can flush anything. Really. Yes, you can even flush that fifteen feet of paper towels you used to wipe your derriere instead of toilet paper, because you just didn't notice the roll next to you. Ladies, this is also the best place to dispose of the cardboard tube from your tampon. There is no reason why you should be required to put it in the trash can clear on the other side of our giant, four foot by six foot bathroom when you're right next to the Magic Toilet Which Flushes All Things.
The clog is an illusion, and if you keep flushing, it'll go away. If not... well, it's the people who work here who have to deal with it, not you, so why worry? You know we just live for the opportunity to clean up exactly that kind of mess. How would we survive without you?

If something doesn't ring up right, hold the cashier responsible. We all have psychic control over our registers, allowing us to manipulate the way everything rings up according to how much we do or do not like the customer.

If the store is so busy that there are lines at every register even when they are all open, hold the cashier responsible. We store extra registers in our derrieres so we can pull them out and set up new aisles just for people like you, but we won't do it because we're all lazy jerks who want to watch you suffer... especially during the Christmas season and on Black Friday. Certainly, those are two times of the year when you shouldn't expect the stores to be busy at all, right?

If the bakery was out of your favorite doughnut late in the afternoon, well after baking time, hold the cashier responsible. We go back there on our breaks and take them all just so that you can't get the one you want... and yes, we know exactly which one that is. In fact, we went back there to get it right before you came in, because we knew you were coming.

If the guy in front of you in line grabs a bunch of the "impulse buy" items near the register, thereby lengthening his checkout time, hold the cashier responsible. The stuff there is not dictated by corporate... it was all our idea, just so people would grab stuff and hold up the line. As with the register, we have psychic control over all of the customers in front of you, and we make them do this so they'll take more time checking out.

If there's a new (or existing) store policy you don't like, hold the cashier responsible. Our corporation's chain of authority is totally upside down, and we make all of the rules. In fact, we made that one just to inconvenience you.
If your dog peed on your leg this morning, hold the cashier responsible. If there was an earthquake in Timbuktu this morning... hold the cashier responsible. If your chewing gum loses its flavor on the bed post overnight... hold the cashier responsible. We're all-powerful and can control everything, so it's all our fault. In fact, we're psychic vampires who live on the energy you exude when you are annoyed. If you don't yell at us, we'll starve. That's the only reason why such all-powerful beings as ourselves would work such lowly jobs as this.

At a very small store with a skeleton staff (one person for each area), try to trick the front counter girl into giving you an impossible discount by telling her it was promised to you by "the other girl." Even after learning that there is no "other girl" working at that store, continue insisting that you were there another day and "she" waited on you. Demand to talk to the owner/manager of the little store, and give him the same story. Act shocked when he tells you that no, there really is no "other girl" working at that store, and offended when your made-up deal is not honored. Threaten to go to the Better Business Bureau. If you are adamant enough in your point, the owner/manager will produce your mythical "other girl" by pulling her head first out of his derriere, and she will give you your made-up deal because the mythical, magical "other girl" has more authority than the boss.

The rules of convenience store and fast food coffee are as follows:
The pot that is the most full is always the most fresh, even if you just saw another pot finish brewing, and even if the full pot was all ready sitting there when you came in.
The "bottom" of the coffee pot is poison. Don't take it. Even though it's part of the same mass of liquid that was there when the pot was full, and even if the whole thing has been depleted in the space of about a minute, that part is no good because it's been at the bottom the whole time, and it's magically different from the rest of the coffee that was in that same pot. That's how liquids work, right?

The laws of physics don't apply to coffee.
For one thing, all things you seek should always be right in front of your face. If they aren't, it's because we deliberately hid them from you. This includes pots of coffee that are on the back burner, because in the alternate world that is the convenience store or fast food joint, it is possible to have twelve pots of coffee all on the bottom front four burners at the same time.
For another, the coffee should simultaneously be heated to state food safety standards, yet cool enough for you to drink it right away without having it feel too hot for your mouth. Convenience store and fast food workers have super psychic power over temperature, and we can make that happen.

Coffee pots are also magically able to change their contents to whatever kind you want them to be. If you are used to getting decaf from a red-handled pot at another store, all you have to do is pick up our red-handled pot, wish for decaf, and that is what it will pour into your cup, even though it clearly says 100% Colombian on the side.

Our coffee brews itself. There should never be any reason why anyone should have to be working over in that area. Obviously, that girl in the apron went over there just to get in your way. Make sure you tell her off.

Coffee attendants and food servers are not people. You can say any rude, inconsiderate thing to us that you want, including making generalized, disparaging remarks about the "kind of people who do this job" and quality of work "you people" do, what an easy, no-brainer job we have, and how lazy we all are. It's twice as okay to do this if you are at a store other than "your" neighborhood store.
Other customers will not hear you and make fun of your sorry attitude after you leave. I promise.
Double points off on this one if you do this while dressed for work in garments which identify your own workplace. Triple if it's in the same neighborhood as our store.

All items in small stores, especially convenience stores, appear there by magic. We never have to deal with deliveries. Therefore, you have every right to be outraged and upset if, while you are shopping, some guy has to wheel in and stock a load of pop or several boxes of snacks. What the heck is that guy doing, getting in your way? Also, it is of absolute importance that you notify the store manager that there is a big truck parked in front of the dumpsters or at the far end of the lot, taking up all of the "unmarked" parking spaces. She had no idea that our merchandise came in a big truck, and will most certainly call the offending vendor's company and demand to know why they can't send it using the all-powerful pixies we know they keep in their warehouse!

Come in looking for merchandise which has been advertised as some variation on "coming soon," long before the item's stated availability date. Get angry with clerks, cashiers, and management when we don't produce the item for you. Throw a fit when we tell you the item is not yet on the market. Insist that some individual with two or more degrees of separation from you (my cousin's roommate) has one, and you know we have them "in the back." Create as much of a disturbance over the item as you possibly can, because if you do, we'll be sure to call the all-powerful magic warehouse pixies to bring you one, or maybe we'll even bring out the special secret pre-release versions of all merchandise we keep stored in our derrieres along with everything else we need to meet impossible demands.

Ways to Show Employees in a Convenience Store That You Are an Idiot

I wrote this partly out of frustration, and partly because I felt that compiling a short list of some of the more odd and sometimes less intelligent things people do convenience stores might be... entertaining as well as cathartic.
Yes, all of these are things which actually occurred at my workplace. (Keep in mind that I have worked at more than one convenience store.) This is not a copy/paste from the internet. Some of these occur daily, some even hourly. It's given me a new outlook on society as a whole. Without further ado, here is my unnumbered  list of ways to show employees in a convenience store that you are an idiot:

Tell us what the gas price is right now. Please make sure we know, because really, we have no idea until you tell us. We are totally clueless, despite the big, tall signs outside and the 27 customers before you who also told us the price of our gas.

While you're at it, blame (insert politician here) because of course, we all agree with your political viewpoint, and therefore must hate that person as much as you do.
Lose extra points of if you manage to start a loud political argument between a group of regulars in our store. Double that if you insist on trying to drag us into it.

Tell us what the gas price is at other stores belonging to our chain. We have total control over how the gas price is set at our location, and we promise that we'll go right out and change our location's price just as soon as you tell us what it should be.

Also, please, please tell us your own personal whacked-out conspiracy theory as to why the gas is not the same price on our corner as it is at that other station which is 5 miles up the road. We are desperate to hear it, because we have been told that corporate uses the dart board method to make that decision.

Complain to the manager of a 24-hour store that you don't think employees should be mopping the floor, stocking the shelves, cleaning this or that piece of equipment or area, that the frozen beverage machine shouldn't defrost, the truck shouldn't fill the gas tank, etc.  while the store is open and suggest that instead, these tasks should be done during closed hours.

Wait for the foam on your cappuccino to "go down" so you can add more to your cup, while stating out loud that you need to do this so that you can get your "money's worth."
(Not only will this lose you I.Q. points in the eyes of the store's workers, it will also demonstrate to us that you've never had a cappuccino at a "real" coffee shop... and no, I don't mean Starbucks, I mean a real coffee shop!)

At a display of merchandise all bearing the same expiration date or time, reach to get the one in the back because you think it's more fresh than the others.
At a display of hot food, reach to the back (past the label that says "caution, HOT!") to get the "more fresh" item, then complain because you burned yourself while doing so.

Grab an item from behind the "still cooking, not ready" sign on the store's roller grill, then complain because the item is not hot.
Grab a pot of coffee from behind a sign (which you have to move to get to the coffee) that says, "not ready, still brewing" and then complain when the still-running brewer spews hot liquid on your hand. Lose extra points if you yell at the coffee girl for cleaning up your mess as if, by claiming it isn't there, you can un-embarrass yourself. Double that if you threaten to sue for the hot liquid on your hand, or if you complain until you get something free.

Step over a wet floor sign and full mop bucket, move the "cleaning in progress" sign to get to the doorknob, then act completely surprised when you see someone cleaning the restroom. Lose extra points if you then complain to the manager that "signs should be posted when someone is cleaning the restroom." Double that if, in a 24 hour store, you suggest that this should be done "after close."

Park in the handicap spot which is parallel to the front of our store, when you are not handicapped and don't have anything on your car that says you are. Better yet, try to be clever. Park beside the handicap spot, in the path of traffic driving around our pumps, or behind the handicap spot, in an area which is not marked as a spot. Either way, you get to block the handicap spot but you aren't actually in it. If you want to be really clever, park beside or behind the spot, but with one or two tires inside the border of it, so that you are simultaneously blocking it, taking it up, and still able to consider yourself to not actually be parked in the handicap spot. Real geniuses will argue this point with whichever police officer happens by and starts writing a ticket, because there's no way they've heard that one before.

Walk into the store through a door bearing a label that says, "We I.D." Go through the store past employees whose uniforms also bear the words, "We I.D." Open a cooler door bearing another label that says, "We I.D." Carry your beer purchase to the counter, which also bears a label that says, "We I.D." and then throw a fit when the cashier asks for your I.D. Extra points off if you make a scene.

Park in the empty but unmarked space front of the dumpster, blocking access to it, instead of using one of the marked parking spaces beside that area. Get really mad when the operator of the dump truck asks you to move your car so he can do his job. Threaten to call his boss.

Drive-off (Pump & Jump, in some states) and seriously think you won't get caught. Act offended when you are caught. Lose extra points if you complain to customer service about getting caught pumping your gas and driving off without paying!

Empty a years worth of trash from your car into the trash can at the pump, then complain that it is full and you can't throw out your used coffee cup. Don't bat an eyelash the whole time, because of course we didn't see you stuffing that can.

Call at 3am and ask if we have pop in the bottle. I swear to you, we've never heard that one before, and we'd really like to know the punchline. Better still, call when you're drunk, and totally mangle the joke. It's much funnier that way.

When asked to present your I.D. for an alcohol purchase, insist vehemently that the cashier absolutely must not scan it "into the computer" (swipe it through the credit card slot in the register) because you know that information goes directly to the police station so that they can come and bust you for DUI.

Come into the store when you're really, really stoned. I promise those mustard-covered chili dogs you stuffed in your jeans pockets will taste great later when you re-discover them during another munchies fit. The chili and mustard running down your leg really accentuate the trim on your jacket. Also, there are never any police officers in here buying coffee and making sure we are safe, so you won't get caught, either.

Come in during the day's biggest rush when the store is packed with other customers and every pump is occupied. Ask to pre-pay and give a wrong pump number because you didn't look, then get mad at the cashier because you were wrong. Insist that she should have known which pump you were on without having to ask you, and complain to the manager. Use racial slurs and other foul language, so we'll be sure to take your complaint more seriously.

Pre-pay a pump without putting your car there first, then get mad because the car that was there got your gas.

Buy 20 scratch off lottery tickets, and insist on scratching them all off at the register so you don't have to wait in line to cash them in. Get really mad at us when we wait on the long line of other customers which built up behind you as you were agonizing over which 20 scratch off lottery tickets to get, because you were here first and they should just wait.

Bring in a brand or size of merchandise we do not carry at our store, but that is similar to things we do carry, and try to return it. Insist that you bought it at our store. Get loud during the discussion, because the problem isn't that we don't believe you, it's that we didn't hear what you said. Also, if you yell loud enough, the volume of your voice will magically change our store's planograms, and we will suddenly develop a space for that specific item in our inventory just so you can get your money back from the wrong store.

Try to buy parts of our displays as if they were merchandise. Be offended that we won't sell them to you. Insist that we are saving them for ourselves, because we really need plastic milk crates and giant cardboard candy displays all over our small apartments.

Be offended that we don't carry every minute little thing you can buy at the grocery store a block away. Use body language, grunts, groans, and long-suffering sighs to let us know just how inconvenient it is for you to drive one more block to purchase that relatively obscure (for a convenience store) item because if you look put out enough, we just  might pull one out of our derrieres.

Leave strange objects in obscure parts of the store. Everyone knows that we all crave the unique experience of fetching your used thong from inside the beer cave, and all of the used condoms we find behind the dumpster are going to make a pretty dress. Your little black book of phone numbers was a very interesting read. (We wonder if Krissy the D-cup - stars and exclamation points - ever called you back.) We are convinced you probably never wore those dentures, anyway, and we were out of hemorrhoid cream until you came in. It really helps with the pain from pulling out those obscure objects you didn't want to buy at the grocery. Thanks!