Since I wrote about idiotic customers, I thought I'd write about the other end of it. Often, when customers behave like idiots around retail employees, they're doing so partly in response to things other retail employees have done to them. It may not be fair for them to generalize that way, but it is a human response. As with the examples in my article, "Ways to Show Employees in a Convenience Store That You Are an Idiot," the examples below are all things I've seen retail employees do, some to me, some not. I gotta say, it always makes one so proud to work with someone who does a bunch of these things.
Anyway, without further introduction, here are a few choice ways in which retail employees can totally fail to impress co-workers and customers.
Get impatient with us because we didn't see the sign, whether it be the little sign on the gas pump that says "you must pay before pumping gas" or the little sign off to the side of the display that says "with purchase of _______ (fill in item here)" or the little sign hanging from the ten foot ceiling that points to where the restrooms are. Of course, no one who ever comes into your store could possibly be from out of the area, so we all know all ready that the sign is there. We're just asking you about it to make your day just a little bit harder, because it takes so much effort to inform us.
Call in sick every time your nose itches, then get mad when you have to work late hours or on your days off because someone else had to call in sick. Don't they know you have a life?
Talk to your buddy who is standing off to the side, or on your cell phone, or better yet, send text messages while waiting on us at the cash register. Don't smile, don't greet us, and if you're really talented at this, don't even tell us how much we owe you - just point at the display on your register. It's important that we know your conversation is much more important to you than our business. That's what we look for in a retail experience.
Be willfully inept. If you don't like a particular job duty, insist that you don't know how to do it, even after you've been shown several times, even though you've learned other duties which are more complex, and even after having performed that particular task successfully under supervision. Your insistence that you can't understand this one particular task certainly won't make you look like an idiot, and no one will figure out that you're just playing dumb to get out of doing the work. Double points if you do this with simple tasks, like cleaning the bathroom, mopping the floor, or doing the dishes. Triple if you ask stupid questions such as "but where do we keep the elbow grease?"
Treat customers like liars when items among our purchases do not ring up at the price your store's display shows as the cost. Treat us like idiots when, on checking the area where we found said items, you are able to show us that the small print on the big sign says the price is for an item other than the one in front of which the sign is placed. When we turn out to be right, be impatient and make sure to look and sound put out when you tell us that you have to call a supervisor because you don't know how to "fix it" in the "system..." because, of course, you're right... we came in that day and picked that item because we knew it was incorrectly priced and we wanted to make you personally do the extra work involved in fixing it for us.
Get angry or impatient with your disAbled customers. We all know they chose to be handicapped as a form of massive, exclusive, inside joke on the rest of society. Extra points off if your reason for being angry or impatient is due to their attempts at independence. Certainly, no one who is blind should ever be seen traveling without a seeing-eye dog, because you can't possibly be both blind and allergic to animal dander, or because blind people could never learn to survive without the help of an animal. Triple points off if you complain about or make fun of the person after they leave - or in the case of a hearing impaired or mentally disabled person, while they are still in the room. Of course, no one else is going to be offended... it's not like you're talking about real people, right?
Take a smoke break every 15 minutes. You shouldn't be expected to get any work done if you're a smoker, right?
Ignore the fact that other smokers who work with you don't take as many breaks as you do.
If non-smokers complain that you take so many extra breaks, advise them to start smoking. After all, it's an addiction, and they're just going to have to understand.
When you get a customer who is paying with food stamps, be sure to state that loudly enough for everyone in the store to hear. Discretion is not deserved by lazy dead beats who depend on the government for their existence, which of course describes all food stamp users. You know we don't have jobs, we all have 4 kids by different fathers, etc. If you happen to embarrass the occasional working mom who is widowed or divorced and struggling, or laid off dad who once earned ten times what you make and is now stuck with a job like yours, that's no skin off of your nose. They should be used to it, anyway, right? It's not like anyone ever has a first time using that card.
Be as impatient and rude as possible when dealing with the elderly, the young, or those who struggle to speak your language. It's the customer's responsibility to understand you, not your responsibility to take care of the customer's needs. If they didn't understand what you said the first time, it's their own fault for not listening.
Talk to everyone - even customers - about employee conflicts and any potentially embarrassing details you might learn about your co-workers. Everyone loves a rumor-monger. Customers never have enough drama in our own lives, so we are especially curious about every detail of what goes on at your store. After all, inquiring minds want to know! Double points off if you are talking about someone who is at work as you speak... triple if they are within hearing distance, or if you are complaining about another's actions when you're guilty of having done the same thing.
Chew gum while on the job. Double points if you chew with your mouth open. We want to see your dental work. Seriously. We're fascinated. Also, blow big bubbles and pop them. We had no idea you were so talented. Wow.
Answer your work phone, "Yo," "Yeah," "What," or with some other monosyllabic non-greeting. We think it sounds totally cool when you answer the phone like that. It makes the caller feel so much more appreciated, and much more likely to want to talk to you instead of a supervisor. Don't ask how you can help us, either. You can't help us, because we just called to mess up your day.
Tell the customer "information" about the product we are considering, the veracity of which you aren't sure, just to make the sale. ("Yeah, that card will work with your camera. It's a universal memory card.") By virtue of your statement, what you say will become fact... or at least, maybe it won't be your shift when the angry customer brings the item back for a refund. If it is your shift, you can always take a smoke break when you see us walk in the door. Later, when your supervisor asks you about the sale, you have total deniability. Of course the customer just misunderstood you... just like every other time.
Come to work a little stoned. You can wear perfume or cologne to cover up the smell. No one will know... or maybe it will just make their day that much more interesting. You know you're always so much smarter and more entertaining when you're stoned!
When a customer comes in with a problem or request, do everything you can to not help. Make the person jump through as many procedural hoops as possible, from having the right piece of paper to filling out the right form. You know that if you can jerk the person around, that gives you control, man, and that level of control totally makes you king or queen of the world.
Anyway, without further introduction, here are a few choice ways in which retail employees can totally fail to impress co-workers and customers.
Get impatient with us because we didn't see the sign, whether it be the little sign on the gas pump that says "you must pay before pumping gas" or the little sign off to the side of the display that says "with purchase of _______ (fill in item here)" or the little sign hanging from the ten foot ceiling that points to where the restrooms are. Of course, no one who ever comes into your store could possibly be from out of the area, so we all know all ready that the sign is there. We're just asking you about it to make your day just a little bit harder, because it takes so much effort to inform us.
Call in sick every time your nose itches, then get mad when you have to work late hours or on your days off because someone else had to call in sick. Don't they know you have a life?
Talk to your buddy who is standing off to the side, or on your cell phone, or better yet, send text messages while waiting on us at the cash register. Don't smile, don't greet us, and if you're really talented at this, don't even tell us how much we owe you - just point at the display on your register. It's important that we know your conversation is much more important to you than our business. That's what we look for in a retail experience.
Also, stand around and chat with a friend or another co-worker while we watch one person at your store doing all of the work. That raises our opinion of you to greater levels, as we must assume you are king or queen of the store. Extra points off if your discussion is about things we'd really rather not hear, such as your latest visit to the gyno, your great weekend with that hot chick you picked up at the club, or how much you threw up after so-and-so's party. We all love getting a good case of TMI-tis.
Be willfully inept. If you don't like a particular job duty, insist that you don't know how to do it, even after you've been shown several times, even though you've learned other duties which are more complex, and even after having performed that particular task successfully under supervision. Your insistence that you can't understand this one particular task certainly won't make you look like an idiot, and no one will figure out that you're just playing dumb to get out of doing the work. Double points if you do this with simple tasks, like cleaning the bathroom, mopping the floor, or doing the dishes. Triple if you ask stupid questions such as "but where do we keep the elbow grease?"
Treat customers like liars when items among our purchases do not ring up at the price your store's display shows as the cost. Treat us like idiots when, on checking the area where we found said items, you are able to show us that the small print on the big sign says the price is for an item other than the one in front of which the sign is placed. When we turn out to be right, be impatient and make sure to look and sound put out when you tell us that you have to call a supervisor because you don't know how to "fix it" in the "system..." because, of course, you're right... we came in that day and picked that item because we knew it was incorrectly priced and we wanted to make you personally do the extra work involved in fixing it for us.
Get angry or impatient with your disAbled customers. We all know they chose to be handicapped as a form of massive, exclusive, inside joke on the rest of society. Extra points off if your reason for being angry or impatient is due to their attempts at independence. Certainly, no one who is blind should ever be seen traveling without a seeing-eye dog, because you can't possibly be both blind and allergic to animal dander, or because blind people could never learn to survive without the help of an animal. Triple points off if you complain about or make fun of the person after they leave - or in the case of a hearing impaired or mentally disabled person, while they are still in the room. Of course, no one else is going to be offended... it's not like you're talking about real people, right?
Take a smoke break every 15 minutes. You shouldn't be expected to get any work done if you're a smoker, right?
Ignore the fact that other smokers who work with you don't take as many breaks as you do.
If non-smokers complain that you take so many extra breaks, advise them to start smoking. After all, it's an addiction, and they're just going to have to understand.
When you get a customer who is paying with food stamps, be sure to state that loudly enough for everyone in the store to hear. Discretion is not deserved by lazy dead beats who depend on the government for their existence, which of course describes all food stamp users. You know we don't have jobs, we all have 4 kids by different fathers, etc. If you happen to embarrass the occasional working mom who is widowed or divorced and struggling, or laid off dad who once earned ten times what you make and is now stuck with a job like yours, that's no skin off of your nose. They should be used to it, anyway, right? It's not like anyone ever has a first time using that card.
Be as impatient and rude as possible when dealing with the elderly, the young, or those who struggle to speak your language. It's the customer's responsibility to understand you, not your responsibility to take care of the customer's needs. If they didn't understand what you said the first time, it's their own fault for not listening.
Talk to everyone - even customers - about employee conflicts and any potentially embarrassing details you might learn about your co-workers. Everyone loves a rumor-monger. Customers never have enough drama in our own lives, so we are especially curious about every detail of what goes on at your store. After all, inquiring minds want to know! Double points off if you are talking about someone who is at work as you speak... triple if they are within hearing distance, or if you are complaining about another's actions when you're guilty of having done the same thing.
Chew gum while on the job. Double points if you chew with your mouth open. We want to see your dental work. Seriously. We're fascinated. Also, blow big bubbles and pop them. We had no idea you were so talented. Wow.
Answer your work phone, "Yo," "Yeah," "What," or with some other monosyllabic non-greeting. We think it sounds totally cool when you answer the phone like that. It makes the caller feel so much more appreciated, and much more likely to want to talk to you instead of a supervisor. Don't ask how you can help us, either. You can't help us, because we just called to mess up your day.
Tell the customer "information" about the product we are considering, the veracity of which you aren't sure, just to make the sale. ("Yeah, that card will work with your camera. It's a universal memory card.") By virtue of your statement, what you say will become fact... or at least, maybe it won't be your shift when the angry customer brings the item back for a refund. If it is your shift, you can always take a smoke break when you see us walk in the door. Later, when your supervisor asks you about the sale, you have total deniability. Of course the customer just misunderstood you... just like every other time.
Come to work a little stoned. You can wear perfume or cologne to cover up the smell. No one will know... or maybe it will just make their day that much more interesting. You know you're always so much smarter and more entertaining when you're stoned!
When a customer comes in with a problem or request, do everything you can to not help. Make the person jump through as many procedural hoops as possible, from having the right piece of paper to filling out the right form. You know that if you can jerk the person around, that gives you control, man, and that level of control totally makes you king or queen of the world.
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