Ways to lose the Respect, Admiration, and Loyalty of your Employees

Demonstrate a serious case of company left hand to right hand obliviousness. Nothing says "trust me" like receiving a mandatory order from one department of our company, only to be penalized by another for following it. Our favorite brain teasing game is trying to figure out what the heck is going on in your corporate offices, and how it's going to affect us next. Seriously, we even take bets. Ten to one says you are using chimpanzees on acid to make those decisions.

Fix what isn't broken. "Update" a policy that has been working as written since we opened. Replace a popular product with something that is new and "improved." Investigate a department or team that is performing well and achieving desirable results. Why would you keep something going forever just because it works, when you can muck it all up and give everyone an exciting new look at how quickly our workplace can descend into utter chaos?

No one ever desires or expects consistence from us. Client and customer loyalty is created by offering them an endless array of fun and interesting surprises, like the disclosure that the product or service they've been depending on for the last twenty years is no longer available, and there's no replacement for it.

They are always enthusiastic about offering us detailed and specific feedback on your new policies and products.

Sometimes, though, we have difficulty understanding that pardonable dialect of French, and we're sure you could better explain to them the necessity of pulling the rug out from under all of us. 

Can we give them the number for your office?

Expect us to be psychic. Since you're in charge, everyone should just automatically know what you are thinking. In fact, we all get together before work and use a business-compatible version of the ouija-pad 3000 to divine everything that is going to be on your mind all day, so we really have no excuse for failing to anticipate your every whim. We just get a kick out of pretending to guess horribly wrong based on the evidence around us and your history, so that you'll have something to nag us about.
Extra points off if you combine this with fixing what isn't broken, and expect us to just automatically know when you reverse a policy that has been in place the entire time we've worked for you. Double that if you write us up today for doing exactly what you ordered last week.

Go way overboard with your security. Sure, we know we're on camera. We know you're watching us. We're such total hams that you know we love it. It's not creepy at all when you call the store from your home to ask why one of us took an extra whole two minutes at lunch, tell us to turn our work so that our hands can be seen on camera, or gripe about how many times we used the restroom. We feel like we've got our own TV show with an audience of one. Really, we try to come up with as much interesting stuff for you to see as possible to keep you watching. After work, we all go hang out at the library to research ideas for the next day's script. We're thinking of title ideas, too. How about Creepy Stalker Boss? By the way, we weren't lined up and picking our noses in unison in front of the coffee-cam. We were just scratching. Really.

Micromanage us. You know you have to, because of the brain-erasing magnets the company installed at all of the building's employee entrances. It has nothing to do with making yourself feel more like a manager, right?

Even though we are perfectly competent adults when we aren't at work, the minute we walk through the magnetized door, we become blithering idiots. We lose all common sense, become unable to remember policy, and have no clue as to the specific responsibilities involved in our jobs. If you weren't there, we'd all just stand around drooling and picking our noses.

Besides, we know you don't have enough to do on your own, and we're very offended if we don't have your undivided attention all the time. We even get into fights over whose turn it is to be the office whipping boy.

Extra points off if you micromanage the employee who listens to you because you can't do anything about the one who won't.

Hit on us. We may not be attracted to grabby cougars or pawsy perverts like you in any other circumstances, but at work we expect it. That's why we take such convoluted and labyrinthine routes to get to and from our work areas. We're not avoiding you. We're just giving you a lot more locations where you can find us and initiate unwanted social dialogue on awkward topics like whether or not you're wearing underwear. It makes our day to know how desired we are despite our stable marriages, and in such a totally inappropriate way! Nothing makes us more feel more valued and respected as human beings than being treated like part of your personal sexual buffet. We are desperate to be marginalized and violated. Yeah, baby. Molest us just a little bit more. We like it like that.

Underpay us enough that others in our field are shocked or amused by our salaries. We just love being subjected to the pity of our peers. The sympathy card works well for us in the dating game. Besides, isn't it we who should be paying for the privilege of working with such a bastion of knowledge and wisdom as you? After all, who needs money, right?

Your employees certainly aren't going to seek greener pastures just because of a little thing like you being a massive cheapskate. We'll stay right were we are. You can count on it. Pay no attention to the little resume behind the manila folder.

What's wrong with a little worker exploitation among colleagues, anyway? Certainly, you'll attract the best in the field through word of mouth just because you're so cool. You don't need to invest in your workforce for that. Employees don't have bills to pay, or anything. After all, it's not like we're real people.

Be threatened by any sign of capability in your employees. It's not like we could be great resources for you without doing any damage to your reputation. No, we're only being diligent and industrious to make you look bad! We are all willing to give up our social lives, family time, and other goals to have your job. We're here to take you down!
Make sure you get good and angry any time one of us expresses a thought or opinion that displays our intelligence. Your boss could be watching, and he might think we are more competent than you! Treat everything we say with absolute disdain, even if you are going to use it later under the false claim that you came up with it yourself. Stifle all forms of creative thinking, diligence, and hard work before someone sees and thinks less of you for managing such a stellar team. God forbid anyone see you as the leader of the best. Mediocrity is your goal, and it should be ours, too!

As an upper manager, give us reasonable, highly compelling explanations for the absolute necessity and importance of following a specific policy, and then allow your lower management to enforce unnecessary and sometimes dangerous violations of it in your absence. It helps our performance if we know we're being managed by idiots. We just can't handle having the security of tried and true standards and regulations. We thrive on stress and instability. Yeah, dudes, embrace anarchy! Screw the man! We're totally coming to work naked next casual Friday. So what if that's the day we have to operate the trash compactor? We'll just be really, really careful to not let any... ahem... spare parts... dangle into it. C'mon! It'll be fun!

Offer us totally transparent lies. It doesn't matter that we know you're lying. You're the boss. What you say is law, and therefore we will believe it in our deepest of hearts despite all evidence, because we're just that stupid... er, I mean loyal. Yeah. Loyal.
Extra points off if you are promising us something as a means of persuading us to do something for you, or stating an order for a falsehood to be true. Double that if you are expecting us to lie for you, especially to any government agency, law enforcement, or other controlling authority. Off the chart if you believe that the fact that you communicate your expectation as a need should be all it takes to persuade us to go along with it.

Knowingly and willfully demand the impossible. After all, the laws of physics don't apply to employees, do they? You know that we are issued magic wands at birth, and are able turn back time, and conjure any random item you can imagine out of our derrieres. We can even do that with items that don't exist. Therefore, we can grant your every wish regardless of how unreasonable or ridiculous it is. All you have to do is ask. 

Don't make room for emergencies. Your employees aren't really human, anyway. None of us are parents, and we never get hurt or sick. You should be able to expect that there will never be circumstances beyond our control. Everyone knows we are all losers with no home/personal lives, anyway, and our relatives are all immortal. Immortal people always have family members who work in crappy peon level jobs. Why in heaven's name should we ever need any time off?

Extra points off if, while expecting perfect attendance from us, you take excessive personal days off for social activity. Knowing that we missed our kid's first track meet, sister's wedding, or grandma's funeral, just so that you could get drunk with your buddies again makes us feel much more valued and needed. We appreciate the compliment!

Bluster. Bluff and puff. Pretend to be a bigger fish than you are. Nothing is more respectable than the assistant manager of a department, the manager of a little outlet, or the line leader of a huge plant throwing his or her weight around like a V.I.P. If you act self-important, arrogant, and authoritative enough, that will make you the same as the company president. That's all it takes to attain big boss status... or at least, the people under you won't know any better. It's not like we're going to notice that you are a pathetic loser who can't do better than a position that is mostly for show. We're not making fun of you behind your back right now... that's an imitation of a character from a popular T.V. show. This isn't a caricature of your face on a the body of Barney Fife. That's Nixon's face, by someone who's not a very good artist. You have our wholehearted and utmost respect. We promise! (snork) (giggle) What? Oh, nothing. We have a cold.

Schedule your vacation or personal absence over “crunch time,” when something important or highly challenging is going on at work. Be totally unreachable in case something goes wrong. Don't leave us with any back-up, either. Then, when you come back, get all bent out of shape over the way things were handled when you were gone. Yell at everyone except the person who dropped the ball. Do not take any responsibility for the consequences of your absence during this time. After all, even though we're totally incompetent and must be micromanaged when you're here, we are supposed to be psychic, so we should have known exactly what you would have done.

Take credit for our achievements, hard work, or good ideas. We don't care if our efforts and successes gain us any praise or recognition. We exist only to serve you, and we're totally satisfied with that. Why would we care if you steal what little glory we could have in our position? It's not like your employees have aspirations or any level of self-esteem, right?
No one at higher levels will ever figure out that you're not doing it all yourself. They certainly won't ever ask you to repeat that performance on another task, re-create the idea if it is lost, or rebuild the design if it is destroyed. You'll never be stuck in the awkward situation of having to excuse yourself for not remembering vital information that originated from one of us. Even if you are, it won't reflect badly on you, right? Your boss doesn't have any standard of ethics, does he?

Demand inappropriate or excessive access to contact with us. We expect it.

We bottom workers do not sleep. We expect to be on call 24/7 you, because no matter how small, every single solitary work-related need you assess is equal to a life-threatening emergency for us. We do not resent being called in the middle of the night to answer stupid questions such as I know it's 2:00 A.M., you live across town, and you work first shift, but can you come in for an hour? So-and so had to go home sick... or what's so-and-so's new phone number?

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to call your office janitor at 4:00 A.M., to ask about the location of the paper that was on your desk yesterday afternoon, (which you have forgotten that you put into your briefcase.) It doesn't matter that he doesn't clean your desk. He should know exactly where all of your stuff is anyway! 

Every nurse's aid should be available to answer any question the nurse might have about a patient... whether we're at work that day or not. It's common knowledge that all we ever do is sit by our phones waiting for you to call.
Extra points off if you have demanded a second means of contact that involves us giving you contact information for a third party who does not work for our company. Double that if you have used numbers on the medical emergency contact list for non-emergency circumstances. Triple if you've done it at night, and/or if you've expected the third party you are calling to not be offended, simply because the situation is important to you.

Forget assertive. Be aggressive. Put us in our place. We always wanted to have a sadomasochistic work relationship. We love to play sub to your dom. That's why we bow our heads and say “Yes Master” every time you so much as clear your throat.

Your domineering, belligerent attitude makes us so much more likely to do everything we can to help you achieve your goals, to keep you up to speed on our work activities, and generally find any excuse we can to initiate verbal contact with you. We're just desperate for more of that delicious, mind-numbing vituperation you dish out every time you see us.

Nothing says adoration and respect like the look of abject terror that crosses our faces the moment you walk into the room. 

That's why we put that famous segment of the Imperial March theme from the Star Wars trilogy as your ring-tone on our cell phones. It's a tribute to your superb leadership, not any insinuation that you remind us of Darth Vader on crack. Yeah, a tribute. That's the ticket.

Answer the phone when when it would be totally awkward for us to hear what you're doing. Extra points off if you try to talk to us about it later... like that's not gonna be awkward!

We always been desperate to know what it sounds like when you fart into the toilet.

We're so curious to about your latest bed buddy that we timed our call just to the right time of the afternoon to catch you in the act.

Of course we can't hear the soundtrack of the porn you're watching. You're two whole feet away from your computer's speakers. Cell phones don't pick up sound from that far away, right?

We're assuming that the water sound means you're getting a drink. We are totally not mentally picturing your naked derriere in the shower. Eew!

We'd never notice that the voice in the background calling you snookie-wookums does not sound anything like the voice on the line when your husband calls and asks for you at work.

Of course, we're just going to forget the time you answered the phone drunk as a skunk, or too baked to remember our names.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with us (and maybe our 500 closest internet connections,) and we'd never think to use it against you at work. By the way, you did approve that paid vacation we requested, right Snookie? Would Miss. Wookums wike a widdle coffee while she thinks it over? Awe, that's my sweet widdle bossee-wossee!