Bad bosses busted

Years ago I worked as a state tested nurse's aide. The nursing home where I was employed was not a nice home. I wouldn't even call it a step above the county home. It was kind of a slum/sweatshop. Unaware of conditions in the home, I'd applied there because it was in my neighborhood.

I trained for three weeks, took the certification test, and was put on the floor. According to company policy, I was supposed to train another four days under the supervision of an experienced aide. That it didn't happen should have been my first clue, but I was new to the health industry. I had no idea what was coming.

Instead, I bought into the nurse's line that we were just temporarily short handed because someone had called in sick. So, on my second day, I was sort of dropped into the regular work routine, sink-or-swim. I swam, but not with a lot of confidence. However, it was left up to me to figure it out. After my third question regarding patient behavior or conditions that were not noted on their charts, the nurse got impatient and told me to shut up and do my job. That was my second missed clue.

The third was the lack of cooperation among the aides. We had been taught in class that most residents who could not stand up by themselves were "two man lifts." In other words, the person was either too heavy or too fragile to be lifted by one aide alone. When you needed to transfer a "two man lift" patient between bed and chair, you were supposed to ask another aide for help. This prevented injury to both us and the patients. I found within the first week that most aides were not willing to help the "newbies" lift. We had to seek out and ask each other. Some of the aides were lifting the "two man lift" patients by themselves, because if you didn't get your work done fast enough, you got written up. I was written up for looking for help lifting a 300 pound immobile, nearly vegetative patient. On the form, I wrote in that I felt the write-up was unjustified because I was following policy, and couldn't have lifted the guy by myself even if I had wanted to. The nurse who wrote me up threatened to write me up for insubordination because I put that in the "employee comments" section of the page, but the head nurse told him that he could not.

There were more incidents like that, but it was a month before the worst hit. One day, I was greeted beside the time-clock with a special order from my floor's nurse. Two people had called in. No one could come in to work their shifts. We had to divide their patients among us, and instead of having the legal state maximum of 14 patients, I was going to have 21. I was not to ask the nurse for any extra help, and I had to squeeze the same care for those extra 7 people into my normal shift.

I was a first shift worker. That means it was my responsibility to get the patients all out of bed, help them bathe and dress as needed, give them their breakfast trays, feed those who could not feed themselves, take the trays back to the cart on time, transfer patients to physical therapy as needed, take them to the dining hall for lunch, give them their lunch trays, feed those who could not feed themselves (again), take the trays back to the cart on time (again), and during that time, squeeze in showers for the 1 in 7 patients (three today) whose day it was to get a shower. More than half of my patients required assistance with everything. Most of them could not walk without the aid of a walker or wheelchair. During that time, I was also responsible for answering any call-button lights, in case patients needed to use the restroom. Also, any patient who was unable to move under his or her power must be moved to change the position of his or her body a minimum of every two hours, to avoid bed sores.

Getting patients up in the morning varied from patient to patient. Several of mine were unable to feed or dress themselves, so making sure I took care of all of their needs without getting behind schedule was a nearly impossible challenge. You can't just rush through these tasks. If you are not careful, you can injure your patient, or yourself.

I got through that day without any really bad incidents, but I did get written up for not being fast enough. That is not what was put on the paper, but it is the translation of what was said. Basically, another aide needed to shower a patient, but I was still in the shower room with mine. The patient had unknowingly defecated, a common occurrence. That happens enough that I never showered him without a bucket under his chair. All I had to do was carry the bucket out of the room, in to the attached bathroom, and dump it in the toilet. Unfortunately, that was going to take both hands, because it was also full of water.
My patient also required both hands. He was a fall risk, meaning that if I didn't watch him like a hawk, he'd try to get out of the arguably uncomfortable shower chair, and fall down. I could not just turn my back to clean up the mess.

I pulled the call button to ask another aide to watch him while I flushed the contents of the bucket. We waited, and no one came. My patient began to shiver under the blanket, and fidget in his seat.
I decided that I couldn't just keep him in there indefinitely. I buzzed the nurse's station, but no one answered. So, I wheeled my patient out into the hall, where I was startled to find the next aide waiting for me. I asked why she hadn't answered the call light, and she said she hadn't seen it. She was standing right under it, and it was accompanied by a repetitive, computerized tone, so I knew that was a lie.

I told her about the bucket and asked her to watch my patient for a minute while I cleaned up. I told her that was why I had turned on the light. She refused, stating instead that she needed the room now and would just clean it up herself. Behind her was another patient squirming uncomfortably in another shower chair. We were supposed to make sure the room was open before wheeling patients down the hall with nothing on but a bath blanket, and now she was impatient with me for using the time slot allotted to my patient. I wasn't even late getting him out of the shower... I was early!

I couldn't do anything about her attitude, so I just took care of my patient. Moments after I'd finished getting him dressed and settled into his favorite easy chair, the nurse called me down to the office to write me up for "leaving feces in the shower for the next aide to clean up."

I recounted to him what had happened, but he ignored it and made me sign the paper under threat of being fired.

The next week, we had more call-ins, and more illegal workloads. I went to a supervising nurse to discuss the issue. I happened to know of a temp agency that would send aides if the company would just call them. Since it was illegal for us to be that understaffed, I figured the supervisor would be glad to know where we could get help with the problem. Instead, I was reprimanded for "rocking the boat" and told "we don't do that." The supervisor threatened to fire me if I disclosed to any of the families that we were understaffed. I informed her that I was family. My grandmother was temporarily housed in one of the rooms on another ward. That did not go over well.

The nurse assumed I would not know the system for reporting violations. I did, but I was still naive enough at that point to think I could work with corporate on fixing things. I called the human resources number and talked to one of the supervisors there, telling her everything I'd witnessed at work, and how at-each-other's-throats the aides were getting. Corporate held a meeting with all of use to hear grievances related to how things were being run at the site. Afterward, they issued a finding that there were no problems, and three of the four most vocal aides were fired. I was the only one retained, and I was written up for insubordination for statements I'd made under the assurance that they would not be held against me. Again, in the comment section of the page, I wrote my opinion of the reprimand, noting that the statements had been both true and made under the assurance of confidence and impunity from corporate supervisors. The nurse took a black permanent marker and "redacted" everything I wrote.

The last straw for me was coming in that week to find that we'd had so many call-offs that I was assigned a double group. I had 28 patients to care for. The nurse told me we weren't getting anyone out of bed. One of my patients was so heartbroken about spending the day in bed "again" that she cried. I realized that this was not an issue my employer was going to be willing to address.

At the end of my shift, I went home and called the Ombudsman for the elderly. I explained the situation, giving dates for the times when we'd been illegally understaffed, and listing several other violations of our patients' rights that I had witnessed. I gave a list of the names of the people in the company who I had alerted to the problem, and explained that I'd made them aware of a temp agency where they could bring in aides to stand in for those who were ill. I described injuries I'd discovered on my patients which were consistent with carelessness and neglect. I talked to the lady on the phone for half an hour. She was appalled.

An investigation was initiated. The Ombudsman showed up without warning on a Monday, the worst day for call-offs. Her timing was perfect. Halfway through the morning, no one was out of bed. Every aide on the shift was responsible for 28 patients, and it took her nearly half an hour to find a nurse. She wrote all kinds of things in her little notebook.

The next week, the head nurse changed the schedule without warning, right in the middle of the work week. She waited until I had two days off in a row, then scheduled me to be there for one of those days. When I didn't show, they labeled me a no-call no-show. I called the Ombudsman's office and alerted her to the retaliation. She asked if I wanted to fight for my job, but I really didn't. I was only getting minimum wage, and I'd learned that aides at other nursing homes made half again as much just starting out. I just wanted to make sure she knew that the company had retaliated against the whistle-blower.

In the meantime, my family removed my grandmother from the home a month early, and made sure to tell corporate that the decision was a direct result of living conditions there. She would have her physical therapy at home.

An employee who had worked with me and survived the whole thing stopped me at the grocery months later, and told me what happened after that. The state had taken over management of the home. There was also a huge fine. Several supervisors and a few nurses had been fired, including the man who had repeatedly wrongfully written me up. There were dismissals at the corporate level. Everyone who knew about the problem and had not addressed it was fired.
Laws were meticulously enforced. A lot of changes were made at the home, including the way fall risk patients were handled. As a result, working conditions also improved. The state kept charge of that home for nearly a year before agreeing to transfer managing control back to the corporate owners. A lot of policies were changed, including the policy of not using temps to cover for sick employees. In fact, the home went to using temps as a hiring method. Instead of hiring off of the street and training aides, they would bring in temps, and if they had the right attitude, work ethic, and bedside manner, there would be a full-time job offer.

In addition, employee concerns related to how policy was being followed (or not) on site, and whether laws were being followed, increased in priority. There was now a genuinely anonymous reporting system for on-the-job safety and patient concerns. Alleged retaliation by any supervisor was grounds for an investigation, and if it was found that there was retaliation, that was grounds for dismissal.

The company had made some very expensive mistakes, but apparently corporate had learned from them.

You can't safely assume your employees are ignorant of the laws governing your industry.
You can't safely assume your employees don't know their rights.
You can't safely assume your employees won't feel a moral obligation to protect their clients, even at your expense.
Your employees will only take so much crap from you before they turn on you. Even those who don't know how to fight for themselves will back the one who does... and there will always be someone who does.
You won't get away with illegal activity or conditions indefinitely. Eventually you will be caught.
And most of all, you can't fight city hall.

In the end, it's cheaper to do things right the first time, stay within the law, and treat your employees like the human beings that they are.

Ways to lose the Respect, Admiration, and Loyalty of your Employees

Demonstrate a serious case of company left hand to right hand obliviousness. Nothing says "trust me" like receiving a mandatory order from one department of our company, only to be penalized by another for following it. Our favorite brain teasing game is trying to figure out what the heck is going on in your corporate offices, and how it's going to affect us next. Seriously, we even take bets. Ten to one says you are using chimpanzees on acid to make those decisions.

Fix what isn't broken. "Update" a policy that has been working as written since we opened. Replace a popular product with something that is new and "improved." Investigate a department or team that is performing well and achieving desirable results. Why would you keep something going forever just because it works, when you can muck it all up and give everyone an exciting new look at how quickly our workplace can descend into utter chaos?

No one ever desires or expects consistence from us. Client and customer loyalty is created by offering them an endless array of fun and interesting surprises, like the disclosure that the product or service they've been depending on for the last twenty years is no longer available, and there's no replacement for it.

They are always enthusiastic about offering us detailed and specific feedback on your new policies and products.

Sometimes, though, we have difficulty understanding that pardonable dialect of French, and we're sure you could better explain to them the necessity of pulling the rug out from under all of us. 

Can we give them the number for your office?

Expect us to be psychic. Since you're in charge, everyone should just automatically know what you are thinking. In fact, we all get together before work and use a business-compatible version of the ouija-pad 3000 to divine everything that is going to be on your mind all day, so we really have no excuse for failing to anticipate your every whim. We just get a kick out of pretending to guess horribly wrong based on the evidence around us and your history, so that you'll have something to nag us about.
Extra points off if you combine this with fixing what isn't broken, and expect us to just automatically know when you reverse a policy that has been in place the entire time we've worked for you. Double that if you write us up today for doing exactly what you ordered last week.

Go way overboard with your security. Sure, we know we're on camera. We know you're watching us. We're such total hams that you know we love it. It's not creepy at all when you call the store from your home to ask why one of us took an extra whole two minutes at lunch, tell us to turn our work so that our hands can be seen on camera, or gripe about how many times we used the restroom. We feel like we've got our own TV show with an audience of one. Really, we try to come up with as much interesting stuff for you to see as possible to keep you watching. After work, we all go hang out at the library to research ideas for the next day's script. We're thinking of title ideas, too. How about Creepy Stalker Boss? By the way, we weren't lined up and picking our noses in unison in front of the coffee-cam. We were just scratching. Really.

Micromanage us. You know you have to, because of the brain-erasing magnets the company installed at all of the building's employee entrances. It has nothing to do with making yourself feel more like a manager, right?

Even though we are perfectly competent adults when we aren't at work, the minute we walk through the magnetized door, we become blithering idiots. We lose all common sense, become unable to remember policy, and have no clue as to the specific responsibilities involved in our jobs. If you weren't there, we'd all just stand around drooling and picking our noses.

Besides, we know you don't have enough to do on your own, and we're very offended if we don't have your undivided attention all the time. We even get into fights over whose turn it is to be the office whipping boy.

Extra points off if you micromanage the employee who listens to you because you can't do anything about the one who won't.

Hit on us. We may not be attracted to grabby cougars or pawsy perverts like you in any other circumstances, but at work we expect it. That's why we take such convoluted and labyrinthine routes to get to and from our work areas. We're not avoiding you. We're just giving you a lot more locations where you can find us and initiate unwanted social dialogue on awkward topics like whether or not you're wearing underwear. It makes our day to know how desired we are despite our stable marriages, and in such a totally inappropriate way! Nothing makes us more feel more valued and respected as human beings than being treated like part of your personal sexual buffet. We are desperate to be marginalized and violated. Yeah, baby. Molest us just a little bit more. We like it like that.

Underpay us enough that others in our field are shocked or amused by our salaries. We just love being subjected to the pity of our peers. The sympathy card works well for us in the dating game. Besides, isn't it we who should be paying for the privilege of working with such a bastion of knowledge and wisdom as you? After all, who needs money, right?

Your employees certainly aren't going to seek greener pastures just because of a little thing like you being a massive cheapskate. We'll stay right were we are. You can count on it. Pay no attention to the little resume behind the manila folder.

What's wrong with a little worker exploitation among colleagues, anyway? Certainly, you'll attract the best in the field through word of mouth just because you're so cool. You don't need to invest in your workforce for that. Employees don't have bills to pay, or anything. After all, it's not like we're real people.

Be threatened by any sign of capability in your employees. It's not like we could be great resources for you without doing any damage to your reputation. No, we're only being diligent and industrious to make you look bad! We are all willing to give up our social lives, family time, and other goals to have your job. We're here to take you down!
Make sure you get good and angry any time one of us expresses a thought or opinion that displays our intelligence. Your boss could be watching, and he might think we are more competent than you! Treat everything we say with absolute disdain, even if you are going to use it later under the false claim that you came up with it yourself. Stifle all forms of creative thinking, diligence, and hard work before someone sees and thinks less of you for managing such a stellar team. God forbid anyone see you as the leader of the best. Mediocrity is your goal, and it should be ours, too!

As an upper manager, give us reasonable, highly compelling explanations for the absolute necessity and importance of following a specific policy, and then allow your lower management to enforce unnecessary and sometimes dangerous violations of it in your absence. It helps our performance if we know we're being managed by idiots. We just can't handle having the security of tried and true standards and regulations. We thrive on stress and instability. Yeah, dudes, embrace anarchy! Screw the man! We're totally coming to work naked next casual Friday. So what if that's the day we have to operate the trash compactor? We'll just be really, really careful to not let any... ahem... spare parts... dangle into it. C'mon! It'll be fun!

Offer us totally transparent lies. It doesn't matter that we know you're lying. You're the boss. What you say is law, and therefore we will believe it in our deepest of hearts despite all evidence, because we're just that stupid... er, I mean loyal. Yeah. Loyal.
Extra points off if you are promising us something as a means of persuading us to do something for you, or stating an order for a falsehood to be true. Double that if you are expecting us to lie for you, especially to any government agency, law enforcement, or other controlling authority. Off the chart if you believe that the fact that you communicate your expectation as a need should be all it takes to persuade us to go along with it.

Knowingly and willfully demand the impossible. After all, the laws of physics don't apply to employees, do they? You know that we are issued magic wands at birth, and are able turn back time, and conjure any random item you can imagine out of our derrieres. We can even do that with items that don't exist. Therefore, we can grant your every wish regardless of how unreasonable or ridiculous it is. All you have to do is ask. 

Don't make room for emergencies. Your employees aren't really human, anyway. None of us are parents, and we never get hurt or sick. You should be able to expect that there will never be circumstances beyond our control. Everyone knows we are all losers with no home/personal lives, anyway, and our relatives are all immortal. Immortal people always have family members who work in crappy peon level jobs. Why in heaven's name should we ever need any time off?

Extra points off if, while expecting perfect attendance from us, you take excessive personal days off for social activity. Knowing that we missed our kid's first track meet, sister's wedding, or grandma's funeral, just so that you could get drunk with your buddies again makes us feel much more valued and needed. We appreciate the compliment!

Bluster. Bluff and puff. Pretend to be a bigger fish than you are. Nothing is more respectable than the assistant manager of a department, the manager of a little outlet, or the line leader of a huge plant throwing his or her weight around like a V.I.P. If you act self-important, arrogant, and authoritative enough, that will make you the same as the company president. That's all it takes to attain big boss status... or at least, the people under you won't know any better. It's not like we're going to notice that you are a pathetic loser who can't do better than a position that is mostly for show. We're not making fun of you behind your back right now... that's an imitation of a character from a popular T.V. show. This isn't a caricature of your face on a the body of Barney Fife. That's Nixon's face, by someone who's not a very good artist. You have our wholehearted and utmost respect. We promise! (snork) (giggle) What? Oh, nothing. We have a cold.

Schedule your vacation or personal absence over “crunch time,” when something important or highly challenging is going on at work. Be totally unreachable in case something goes wrong. Don't leave us with any back-up, either. Then, when you come back, get all bent out of shape over the way things were handled when you were gone. Yell at everyone except the person who dropped the ball. Do not take any responsibility for the consequences of your absence during this time. After all, even though we're totally incompetent and must be micromanaged when you're here, we are supposed to be psychic, so we should have known exactly what you would have done.

Take credit for our achievements, hard work, or good ideas. We don't care if our efforts and successes gain us any praise or recognition. We exist only to serve you, and we're totally satisfied with that. Why would we care if you steal what little glory we could have in our position? It's not like your employees have aspirations or any level of self-esteem, right?
No one at higher levels will ever figure out that you're not doing it all yourself. They certainly won't ever ask you to repeat that performance on another task, re-create the idea if it is lost, or rebuild the design if it is destroyed. You'll never be stuck in the awkward situation of having to excuse yourself for not remembering vital information that originated from one of us. Even if you are, it won't reflect badly on you, right? Your boss doesn't have any standard of ethics, does he?

Demand inappropriate or excessive access to contact with us. We expect it.

We bottom workers do not sleep. We expect to be on call 24/7 you, because no matter how small, every single solitary work-related need you assess is equal to a life-threatening emergency for us. We do not resent being called in the middle of the night to answer stupid questions such as I know it's 2:00 A.M., you live across town, and you work first shift, but can you come in for an hour? So-and so had to go home sick... or what's so-and-so's new phone number?

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to call your office janitor at 4:00 A.M., to ask about the location of the paper that was on your desk yesterday afternoon, (which you have forgotten that you put into your briefcase.) It doesn't matter that he doesn't clean your desk. He should know exactly where all of your stuff is anyway! 

Every nurse's aid should be available to answer any question the nurse might have about a patient... whether we're at work that day or not. It's common knowledge that all we ever do is sit by our phones waiting for you to call.
Extra points off if you have demanded a second means of contact that involves us giving you contact information for a third party who does not work for our company. Double that if you have used numbers on the medical emergency contact list for non-emergency circumstances. Triple if you've done it at night, and/or if you've expected the third party you are calling to not be offended, simply because the situation is important to you.

Forget assertive. Be aggressive. Put us in our place. We always wanted to have a sadomasochistic work relationship. We love to play sub to your dom. That's why we bow our heads and say “Yes Master” every time you so much as clear your throat.

Your domineering, belligerent attitude makes us so much more likely to do everything we can to help you achieve your goals, to keep you up to speed on our work activities, and generally find any excuse we can to initiate verbal contact with you. We're just desperate for more of that delicious, mind-numbing vituperation you dish out every time you see us.

Nothing says adoration and respect like the look of abject terror that crosses our faces the moment you walk into the room. 

That's why we put that famous segment of the Imperial March theme from the Star Wars trilogy as your ring-tone on our cell phones. It's a tribute to your superb leadership, not any insinuation that you remind us of Darth Vader on crack. Yeah, a tribute. That's the ticket.

Answer the phone when when it would be totally awkward for us to hear what you're doing. Extra points off if you try to talk to us about it later... like that's not gonna be awkward!

We always been desperate to know what it sounds like when you fart into the toilet.

We're so curious to about your latest bed buddy that we timed our call just to the right time of the afternoon to catch you in the act.

Of course we can't hear the soundtrack of the porn you're watching. You're two whole feet away from your computer's speakers. Cell phones don't pick up sound from that far away, right?

We're assuming that the water sound means you're getting a drink. We are totally not mentally picturing your naked derriere in the shower. Eew!

We'd never notice that the voice in the background calling you snookie-wookums does not sound anything like the voice on the line when your husband calls and asks for you at work.

Of course, we're just going to forget the time you answered the phone drunk as a skunk, or too baked to remember our names.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with us (and maybe our 500 closest internet connections,) and we'd never think to use it against you at work. By the way, you did approve that paid vacation we requested, right Snookie? Would Miss. Wookums wike a widdle coffee while she thinks it over? Awe, that's my sweet widdle bossee-wossee!

Sign of the times

I once got into an argument with a convenience store manager over a poorly composed sign.
It said "(an extremely popular soda I won't name)12 packs $2 for 5" in big plastic letters and numbers.

At first glance, I thought, "Wow, what a deal!" I was living with someone who drank at least two cans of that crap a day (yuck!) and regular price for it was normally more than two dollars for just one pack.

Without thinking, I asked the manager if there was a limit on the deal. She said that there was a limit of four packs.
That didn't add up. How could you only buy four packs if the deal was "$2 for 5?" Would that be $1.60? Thinking about it caused me to divide out the per-pack price, and I arrived at the figure of 40¢ a 12-pack of soda.
That's when I realized... duh... there was no way they were going to sell 5 packs for $2.00. That would take them below wholesale cost.
All of that happened in the space of about ten seconds... I walked up to the sign, saw it, spoke to the manager, did the math, and hit the duh-factor head-on. You could see it on my face. Well, that, and momentary disappointment.

I told the manager she should move her dollar sign if she wanted her sign to read correctly so that someone wouldn't insist on getting five for two dollars after misunderstanding her intent. She had a royal stinking fit.
She said "It's in plain English, two for five dollars, and if you can't read it, you need to go back to school."

That was the problem. It wasn't "plain English, two for five dollars." If it had been, I would not have become confused in the first place. The incorrect placement of the dollar sign had initially caused me to believe that the soda was selling at a fabulous (for me) price.
To show the manager the confusing error, I tried holding a piece of paper over the parts of the sentence, isolating the "$2" from the "for 5." I explained that I wanted her to have a chance to fix it before some jerk came along and tried to actually demand the deal as written.

An employee who was nearby got the point I was making and mentioned that the sign would be accurate if the dollar sign were in front of the 5, but was not with the dollar sign in front of the 2.

The manager became belligerent, and told me I couldn't have "the $2 deal" and insisted "that's not what the sign says."

I hadn't asked her for that, and wasn't trying to obtain it. I was simply trying to help prevent the next person from being confused as I had been. However, the manager was so focused on being defensive that she did not have room in her mind to listen to what I was saying.

The end of the discussion boiled down to her argument that she shouldn't have to use correct placement of signs and symbols as long as they were somewhere in the message, and she felt that people should know what she meant and act accordingly even though she had failed to communicate it.

She further defended her right to not correct the error, while simultaneously maintaining that it was not a miscommunication, and anyone who read the sign "$2 for 5" as "two dollars for five," as it said, instead of "two for five dollars," as she intended, was an idiot. With that, she forbade the employee to even touch the sign, demanded that I pay for my goods (I hadn't picked anything up yet) and leave, and stormed off into her office. I was more than slightly insulted by her attitude, and especially by the unwarranted insinuation that I was trying to get an unfair deal out of her.

Outside, on the way back to my car, I came across a couple of very loud, very redneck moms with a bunch of rowdy teens. I said, "I bet they drink their weight in (same extremely popular soda) in the summer." 
One mom said, "Only every day," and laughed.


I said, "There's a sign inside that says twelve packs are selling at two dollars for five. You should check it out."

The two moms exchanged a look and immediately rushed toward the door. So did the guy who had just gotten out of the car next to mine. I just smiled as I got into my car and headed down the street to get my gas and coffee somewhere else. I figure if she doesn't know enough to put the dollar sign in the right place, she probably also doesn't know about the loophole in the false advertising law that says she doesn't have to honor an advertising mistake that lists a price which could not reasonably be expected to be correct, and even if she did, she wouldn't be able to think of it while arguing with three different angry shoppers.

Lesson to retailers: When a customer tries to be helpful instead of taking advantage after finding one of your mistakes, fix the mistake instead of responding with defensiveness, indignation, and anger. That way, you avoid future confusion, and you don't make the customer angry with you.

ID Please!

It seems to happen at least once every shift... so often that it is featured as one of my favorite Ways to Show Employees in a Convenience Store That You Are an Idiot.

Walk into the store through a door bearing a label that says, "We I.D." Go through the store past employees whose uniforms also bear the words, "We I.D." Open a cooler door bearing another label that says, "We I.D." Carry your beer purchase to the counter, which also bears a label that says, "We I.D." and then throw a fit when the cashier asks for your I.D. Extra points off if you make a scene.

Folks, we do work hard to give you good service. Most of us aren't "surly, pimple-faced teens" as I've seen described in people's blogs that all too often could easily be titled "that stupid kid at the corner store carded me for beer! What a bad attitude he/she has!" If we ask for your ID, please just show it to us. Don't act like we're asking you for the blood of your first born child. We're not. We're also not asking because we're jerks; but because we're required, and we're not just asking you.

Here is the lowdown on why you got IDed:

Federal law doesn't say we have to ID for alcohol. State law doesn't necessarily say so, either. It just holds us responsible if you're underage and we don't. The state does hire people who are 3 days shy of 21 to buy alcohol from us so they can bust us for selling to underage drinkers, because they want us to ID, and because (in some cases) they get federal money for that program). So no, in most cases it's not the law... but they enforce it like it is.

With that in mind, stores play it safe, err on the side of caution. If we don't, we could be entrapped into losing our license to sell alcohol, and the commerce that goes with it.

The law doesn't say we have to ID for all ages if we do ID. It just allows you to sue us for singling you out because of one of the multitude of reasons used in discrimination suits today, including things we couldn't possibly be expected to know about you unless you tell us, like your religion. This is not a far-fetched scenario; I've seen it happen in person, and it worked.

With that in mind, many stores are going to an "ID everyone" policy for alcohol, in order to avoid facing frivolous lawsuits.

The law does say we have to ID for cigarettes. If you look under 30 years old, we are legally required to check your ID for cigarettes. (If you are under 30 and you are not getting carded for cigarettes, either you should be offended by the slight, or they've all ready taken their toll on your looks with damage to your skin, hair, and teeth, making you look older.) 

The State does hire people who are within a few years' radius of 30 to come into our store and buy cigarettes. If we don't ID that person, we are in violation of the state laws (and penalties apply) on the basis that the State thinks that person looks under 30, even if he or she is not and does not.
 
It does not matter that this is entrapment. It is the way things are.

Therefore, if we think you look under 35, we're going to card you... maybe even if you look under 40. Some areas are now going to a system of just carding everyone for anything that has age restrictions for purchase. I have even seen cashiers IDing for energy drinks.

A few other things to keep in mind:
It is NOT the cashier's decision whether or not the store has a policy that requires ID for all alcohol and/or cigarette purchases. That kind of policy is set by an owner or corporate board. The cashier is simply required to adhere to that policy at all times. Therefore, getting mad or impatient and taking out your frustration on the cashier is futile and stupid, even if you interpret his or her act of checking your ID as "getting an attitude."

In stores which are chain outlets for a large corporation, the cashiers may actually be watched during transactions by individuals in corporate offices to see if they are adhering to the policy. This is the case where I work, and they have caught and disciplined violators.

Some businesses also have internal versions of the State's method of entrapment. They send employees around to make sure IDs are being checked during alcohol and tobacco sales in their stores. If we've never seen you before, or don't see you often, we don't know that you are not one of them.

Please also note, in instances of consumer ID related temper-tantrums, the manager may be authorized to make a judgment call on whether or not to sell you alcohol without an ID just to get your drama show out of the store. If we know one thing, it is that the authorities from the state and our corporate headquarters do not behave like this, so in doing so the manager is not at risk for getting busted. This does not mean that the cashier was lying.

When the manager does this, it means that your behavior was so atrocious that he or she just wanted to be rid of you. You may have gotten what you wanted, but you made an ass of yourself to get it. That said, throwing a temper tantrum also doesn't guarantee you a non-ID sale. It may just get you thrown out of the store. Battery charges have even been filed over adult tantrums at the location where I currently work, following an incident in which a consumer injured other shoppers in a fit of temper over a minor dispute with the cashier.

In some states (mine included), it is also illegal for us to sell you alcohol if you are intoxicated.
Did you know that belligerence can be a symptom of intoxication?
If you are belligerent, many retail cashiers and managers are encouraged by store policy to refuse the sale on the basis that you might be drunk, and selling to you could get us (ourselves and the store) busted for two violations.

The fact is, there is absolutely and without question, no excuse for getting all bent out of shape because your ID is required for a transaction involving a controlled substance. You do not have some kind of inalienable right to require anyone to do business with you specifically on your terms. In fact, you don't have the right to expect anyone to do business with you at all. Choosing to initiate a purchase is an act of agreeing to company policy regarding that transaction, and that includes whether or not you have to show your ID to the cashier to prove you aren't asking him/her to violate the law. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't drink... and well, you shouldn't be smoking, anyway. It's bad for you.

Failure to anticipate one's baser customers

My company allotted our store a small budget to improve the appearance of our restrooms. That was a nice idea. My boss was really pleased to have the chance to make them more presentable, as they were really plain and boring; white toilet, sink, and ceiling... gray floor tiles, off-white walls, and beige waste bin. We have some advertising on one wall of each room, and the dispensers for toilet paper, hand towels, and hand soap, but other than that, there hasn't ever been anything else.

To make the rooms look prettier, she decided to get a nice picture for each, and for each, a plastic Ficus tree in a wicker "planter" pot.
I have to say, the Ficus in the ladies' room is lovely. It does definitely brighten up the place, and makes it feel more homey and comfortable.

It looks something like this:

  

I wasn't so sure about the one in the men's. I voiced my doubts, and noted a behavioral probability.

Before going on, I should probably explain a bit about our men's room.

One of the fun things about working in a convenience store is that people will do things in your restroom that they would never engage in at home. In this case there is a serious issue regarding the correct way to use the toilet.

By that, I mean putting one's bodily wastes inside the toilet rather than simply near it.

This is not just a problem of men "missing" the hole. It's more like interior decorating.

The room isn't big... it's about four feet square with a ten foot ceiling. The toilet is only about one step from the door. There's no lid or anything, so there's no reason why, once he makes it into the room, a guy shouldn't make it to the toilet.

There's no urinal, either, though there is a re-painted area on the wall where there had been a urinal, which was removed before I started work at that location. It is my understanding (from the word of a former co-worker) that the urinal was removed because guys didn't seem to understand that it was just for urine. I'm not sure what was the problem understanding that. It isn't called a crap'n-all. It's called a urinal. ...but I digress.

The use of the toilet isn't much more sensible than the use of the urinal. At least four days a week, we have to unclog it because some guy with an atrocious diet comes in and drops a giant, wax imitation of a turd. I swear, this guy must consume even more animal fat than I do, and that's saying a lot. He must be on something like a strict diet of hard salami and cheese. I'm serious... the thing looks like it was molded from a brown candle. There is no way this guy ever eats anything but animal fat!

He then proceeds to attempt to flush it despite its huge size and all previous failed attempts, and much to his surprise, it clogs the toilet again. When flushing does not get rid of it the first time, he continues flushing until the bowl fills with water. 

Then, he leaves without telling anyone about the mess he just made, so that the next guy who needs the restroom is faced with it. Usually by that time, the water has gone down, and the guy finds a bowl full of debris surrounding the biggest, shiniest piece of crap he's ever seen (unless he drives an El Camino.)

This is not a plunger-friendly mess. Before I started working there, the manager who hired me (and who is now retired) was having to call a plumber on a regular basis because of this guy.

I figured out a better way to handle the problem. It's not fun, but it works.

Since the problem is made up mostly of waxy fat, all it needs is something to break it down and it will move along. I discovered that pouring really hot water onto the wax turd will cause it to break up into smaller, kind of melty wax turds which can be flushed. Now, I am the store plumber. Whenever we have a restroom clog, I get first crack at it. I've probably saved our store a few thousand dollars in plumbing fees just this summer.

The Big Brown Bomber is not our only problem, however.

As I mentioned before, there is a spot in the men's restroom where there used to be a urinal.
"Used to be" is the operative phrase.

This distinction seems to be lost on some of our late night and early morning customers, who insist on using it anyway. There is a permanent stain on the wall.

Once, when I was working the night shift alone, a guy came in and "missed" so badly that I had to assume alcohol was involved.

At least, I hope alcohol was involved.

I'd hate to think that a sober person would spray the walls of a convenience store restroom to mark it as his territory. Yes, I mean spray... he started by the door and made it more than halfway around the room, hitting about five feet off the floor (just below eye level for me).
I found it after it had run all the way down, leaving pretty golden streaks on our off-white wall. I'd been wanting the time to wash down those walls, but I never said I needed an excuse. 

Mad as I was, though, I couldn't help laughing about it. The mental image I kept getting wouldn't let me stop. All I could think of was some ornery looking guy in a trench coat (why, I don't know... maybe because that's the stereotype for what flashers wear, and this was the same kind of ornery as that) whipping it out and spinning around yelling "Weeeeeeeeeeee!" as he let fly.

It's not strictly a men's room issue, mind you. There's a regular visitor to the ladies' room we like to call "Poocaso."

I'll let that digest for a moment so you can think about why I might call her that.


Usually, we find it on the wall next to the toilet. Most of the time, it's only a bit, and we're not sure if it's done manually, or if she splashed. Recently, though, there have been unmistakeably deliberate finger smears along the wall. There is no way this was a splash... I'm talking a foot long and three inch wide professional paint job. Thinking it was a complaint, I checked the dispenser, but there was plenty of toilet paper.
I think that gal is just disturbed.

Anyway... when my manager came in with those two little Ficus trees to put into the restrooms, I had to say something. I mean, in an area where guys regularly pee on the walls, the floor, anywhere but the toilet... where they can't even always poop in the toilet, why would you want to add a feature that, in nature, works as a substitute toilet?

Her theory was that if the restroom looked better, it might get treated better. I knew not to argue. Once she's decided how she wants the facts to be, my boss will not accept evidence or logic.

In went the Ficus.

It took a week before the first guy used it. She was insufferable the whole time. A number of days count was kept on our dry-erase message board.

As in, "3 days without a Gross Ficus Urinary Incident"

We do have a sense  of humor at our store.

We also have a sense of told ya so. I confess that I took some satisfaction on the eighth day in erasing her seven and replacing it with a big, fat zero. I didn't say anything. I just wrote the number, and took the tree outside.

I have now learned that the foam and other filler in the wicker basket planter in which the new urinal... I mean ficus... sits can withstand the temperature of boiling sanitizer-water, and that if I use enough of it, I can get rid of all traces of yellow stains. It's not so good for the grass growing up through the cracks in the pavement behind the dumpster, though.

I was nice. I didn't actually say, I told you so.
(But everyone else did!)

It's been like this forever

From one of my older blogs:


Either someone at my job’s corporate level is completely naive (and lousy at using
punctuation), or they got a real kick out of sending my store a memo (via email) stating the importance of having the ass mgr do the shift anal by (I can’t remember what time...)

We all decided that there could be no one better qualified to do the shift anal than the ass manager...

Just wondering

How in the heck does anyone make it all the way into adulthood, much less into a store management position, without learning the following things?

1) Do not stack big, awkward, heavy objects on top of smaller, more fragile objects.

2) A tall, skinny, unevenly positioned stack is much more likely to fall over than a short fat neatly made stack.

3) A broken cardboard box isn't strong enough to hold its shape, especially under the strain of 150 pounds of weight.

4) Saying something over and over doesn't make it true.

5) Preventing something from being said doesn't make it not true.

6) A wet floor is still wet and slippery even after you put up a sign.

7) Chocolate melts when it gets hot. Pretzels don't. Therefore, it should be easy to decide which items get placed in the room where the temperature gets up over 90 degrees every day.

8) If there's a label on it that says "CAUTION, HOT!" you really shouldn't put your fingers on it. It might be hot.

9) Heavy stuff stacked in front of a freezer door will get in the way of opening the door and getting into the freezer.

10) Everyone around you can hear your end of your cell phone conversation.

11) Gravity never stops working.

12) If you watch a co-worker touch something, and it electrocutes him, that is evidence that the object will also electrocute you if you touch it.

13) Flammable substances will catch fire when directly exposed to an open flame, even if that is not what you were trying to do.

My theory, my opinion, my blog

I've been working since I was fifteen.

I've had part-time jobs, summer jobs, "temp" jobs, and full-time jobs, and worked as an independent contractor... in the fields of retail, food service, manufacturing, security, health, journalism, and more. Currently I'm in a combination retail/food service position, below the bottom rung, but full-time.

I've noticed over the years that often, corporations which have multiple outlet locations, which I've seen in every one of the above-mentioned fields, all have one issue in common: Policy made at the corporate level, pertaining to the outlet level, often makes absolutely no sense when applied to real-life workplace situations.

I've seen tried-and-true customer service techniques abolished, red tape put into place where it holds up accident prevention, enforced requirements for the completion of paperwork that nobody ever reads but which quality assurance checkers look for (and no, it's not required by law, just the company), good employees lost over stupid management mistakes, and much, much more.

I've developed a theory over the years:
I think all corporations keep a secret room full of chimpanzees on acid. Corporate execs give the chimps paper, and crayons. They take the resulting drawings, put them up on the wall, and pick policy via thrown darts. Then, they institute that policy and enforce it upon those of us at the peon level.

So far, that theory is the only thing I can come up with that comes close to explaining the nonsense I've seen at every corporate-owned place I've worked!

It's frustrating sometimes, dealing with the chimpanzees.

It's also frustrating sometimes, dealing with the consumer.

Both ends of the equation have a habit of starting with a desired outcome, and then ordering it to happen without regard to the existence of a means by which it can be achieved. What's a peon to do?

Well, this one needs to vent. That is the purpose of this blog. Enjoy... or don't. I'm going to write it anyway, because I don't have a corporate chimp to tell me I can't. ^_^